


it was good until it wasn't

by hiddeninplainsight



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:53:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24401614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiddeninplainsight/pseuds/hiddeninplainsight
Summary: tobin's never been in a relationship, never felt the need. her love is soccer, always has been, always will be. with the occasional hook up here and there.kelley's childhood best friend, who's moving to portland, who's not looking for anything serious, is perfect for tobin, who knows casual, who has never been one for commitment.it works.until tobin realizes she wants more.
Relationships: Tobin Heath/Christen Press
Comments: 86
Kudos: 517





	it was good until it wasn't

**Author's Note:**

> enjoy.

Tobin’s leaning against the bathroom counter, watching her long-time best friend slash teammate freak out over what was supposed to be a night of celebrating their friend’s engagement. They were supposed to leave fifteen minutes ago, but that wasn’t the case. Their Lyft driver already cancelled and Tobin didn’t want to take a hit on her passenger rating _again._ She has a nasty habit of missing her rides, but not through fault of her own. The people she’s with are never ready when they say they are.

“Dude, come on,” Tobin says to her friend curled up in the bathtub. “Alex will send out the search party if we’re not there…” Checking her phone for time, “Five minutes ago.”

“I can’t,” Kelley shakes her head. “I can’t do this.”

Tobin sighs, knowing what she’s referring to because she’s almost sure that if she was in the situation, she wouldn’t be able to either, but she’s not.

“It’ll be fine, you haven’t seen Sonny since season ended. You’ll be okay,” Tobin reasons, thinking that she’s doing her best friend duty, reassuring that enough time has passed where they can be civil in the same room. She’s about to say something else when a shampoo bottle hits her square in the chest, dropping on the tiled floor with a hollow _thud_. “Ow, what the fuck.”

“Tobin,” Kelley deadpans. “It’s barely been _two_ months. You expect me to be okay with seeing her?”

“Well yeah?” Tobin says unsurely, rubbing the spot, slightly irritated with Kelley at the moment. “I thought it was mutual.”

“It was, but—”

A soft knock sounds off, then the door slowly opens with Christen poking her head around shyly. “Um, I’m sorry to interrupt. I don’t quite know how to reply to Alex texting me quote _where the hell are you guys_ unquote.”

“Say we’ll be there in fifteen.”

“Tell her we’re not going.”

Tobin and Kelley say at the same time causing Christen to make a cute perplexed face that Tobin’s lips almost quirks at, but keeps a neutral face.

“We’re going,” Tobin says, reaching into the tub to yank her friend out, struggling before she gives up, letting her friend stew in her feelings. “We’re bridesmaids dumbass, we cannot _not_ go.”

“Watch me,” Kelley says bitterly, sounding like a petulant child. “I don’t get why Alex invited the whole team,” She continues muttering nonsense that Tobin ignores. There’s no reasoning with her in this state.

“Sorry about this,” Tobin says honestly as Christen opens the door wider to step into the bathroom. 

“It’s fine,” Christen says with a sad smile, leaning against the door frame. “I get it. I’ve been in her shoes before.” She shrugs, as they turn their gaze to Kelley, who’s head hangs between her knees.

Tobin met Christen when she walked into Kelley’s apartment, less than an hour ago. Christen has been staying with Kelley for the past week, finding a place to live because her publishing company is relocating her to Portland to manage the new northwest headquarters that’s slated to open next month. 

Kelley and Christen go way back, next door neighbors with a one-year age gap, attending the same schools, including Stanford, where they both played soccer. Kelley decided to go pro while Christen could have (according to Kelley), but chose not to.

Tobin had seen pictures of Christen on Kelley’s socials, thinking that she was an attractive woman with a nice complexion and bright green eyes, but nothing could’ve prepared her for the real thing.

The moment Christen opened the door, Tobin _almost_ fell over—beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, all of the above. She nearly tripped over her feet as she walked through the door, and Christen either didn’t notice or was too polite to say anything. There was a brief introduction where Tobin will deny she stuttered through. She was amazed by how someone could look so _good_ wearing a maxi skirt and a fitted grey crop top (with a small sliver of her stomach showing). She quickly excused herself to reprimand her teammate for not warning a girl.

That did not happen.

When Tobin walked into the bathroom, she found Kelley in a state of panic, close to hyperventilating. She didn’t know what to do. She had never seen Kelley like this.

“Kelley,” Christen says softly after a minute. “We have to go. Alex is will come here and drag you to her house herself if we’re not there soon.”

“Okay okay,” Kelley nods and jumps up, acting like she wasn’t five seconds away from a breakdown. “Let me just change and we’ll go.” She’s out of the bathtub and running into her room before anyone can say anything.

“I’ll call the Lyft _again_ ,” Tobin says, rolling her eyes and Christen lets out an airy laugh.

And if Tobin’s being honest, she likes the sound of Christen’s laugh.

\--

The couple’s decently sized house sits on a hill with a nice view of the Portland city skyline, and as soon as the car drives up, they see Alex already outside, fuming as she paces back and forth. 

After Alex yells at them for being _late_ —Christen included by association—the soon-to-be bride relaxes and introduces the trio to her and Servando’s extended family. Kelley’s on edge the whole time as they walk through the house, unsure of when Emily would appear, and Tobin keeps elbowing her to hold it together because Alex shouldn’t have to yell at them twice in one night, in less than a fifteen-minute time frame.

Christen acts as the perfect buffer, intercepting Alex’s questions about why they were late, using an excuse that she ran late with the realtor. It was partially true. Christen did close a deal on a condo a few blocks away from Kelley, finishing in the late morning, but what Alex doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

Tobin’s sure Alex would have been more aware of Kelley’s inner turmoil if the engagement party planning hadn’t been such a mess, Servando’s family flying in, extended family cramming into their house because they refused to stay at a hotel, and a lot more that’s lost in their group chat thread. 

Once pleasantries finished, Kelley immediately finds the bar set up in the backyard, demanding from Bati to make her the strongest drink possible. He learned from experience to never say the word _no_ to Kelley and mixed a bunch of bottles with very little juice, much to Allie’s dismay.

“I guess I’ll just make myself scarce,” Christen says as Kelley downs the drink hesitation, slamming the glass and gesturing for another. 

“What?” Tobin asks, slightly distracted as she notices how Christen’s eyes change color with the sun starting to set. “Why?”

“I don’t really know anyone here except for Alex,” Christen shrugs and tilts her head towards Kelley. “She’s also going through something and I don’t really want to be around that, even though I’ll be dealing with it later.”

“I’ll stay with you,” Tobin says and adds, “You can spend the night at my place too.” She doesn’t realize how that sounds until she says it out loud. “Uh wait, I don’t mean it like that.”

Christen chuckles, throwing a sympathetic, but understanding smile her way. “I know what you meant.” She winks, or at least tries to that it comes out all cute and adorable with both eyes blinking instead. “But you don’t have to stay with me.”

“I know I don’t have to, but I want to.”

“Fine, if you insist,” Christen rolls her eyes playfully, and taking Tobin’s hands in hers. “Well come on then, let’s drink.” 

Tobin easily lets Christen drag her, not minding one bit. 

\--

“Look,” Christen nudges Tobin’s shoulder, nodding to the sight in front of them as they sit on the couch. She brings Tobin’s arm around her, getting comfortable by leaning her head in the crook of Tobin’s neck.

Tobin’s eyes dart across the pool, smirking at Kelley’s drunken smile from whatever Emily’s saying, most likely a joke or something that only she could say to make Kelley look like _that_. “She’s either not going home alone or going wherever Emily’s staying.”

Christen groans, shaking her head, “Does your offer still stand?”

For the past couple hours, Tobin remained true to her word and stayed with Christen. Even when she was dragged her to do shots, she took Christen too, introducing her to the few national team players that flew out for the occasion. She could tell Christen was overwhelmed by meeting a bunch of (drunk) people, but never left her side.

It gave Tobin the opportunity to get to know Christen. She’s quiet, much more reserved than what she’s used to, funny without trying, and a bunch of other things she could go on about.

Ultimately, a great conversationalist that had Tobin talking more than she usually did. She’s not much of a talker to begin with, especially with people she first meets, but there was something about Christen that had her naturally opening up.

“The timing was never right, I guess,” Christen says when Tobin mentioned it was strange they never met with how close of a relationship she has with Kelley.

Christen went on to explain that it’s always been hard for their schedules to sync up. Kelley’s taking her all over the country, sometimes internationally depending on the year, and her job requiring her to frequently travel. The times they did see each other were during the holidays or the off-chance they were in the same city, which was a rare.

The last time Christen saw Kelley play soccer in person was the summer after she graduated before her job took over her life. She wouldn’t say she’s a workaholic now, but when she first started her career as a junior editor of a well-known publisher to editor-in-chief to now executive director of the new branch, she made sure she wouldn’t be traveling as much. It was something she couldn’t fully give up because her job gave her so many opportunities to see so many places, that she’s kind of a nomad.

Christen commented that she was pretty excited to go to one of Kelley’s games again, missing the sport she loved playing, which Tobin joked that she was more than welcome to join them for practice. She said she’d think about it, given she hadn’t played in so long.

Tobin would say that they’re no longer acquaintances, but not quite friends yet. She thinks they could be friends eventually.

She’s trying to control her impulse of sleeping with someone she finds _very_ attractive.

If it was an other time where Tobin met Christen, she would be doing everything she can to get the younger woman underneath her as soon as she says _hey_.

But it’s not.

Christen’s her best friend’s childhood friend who’s moving here next month. 

Maybe if Christen was only visiting, Tobin would be more inclined to make something happen, playing it off as a one-time thing.

“Of course,” Tobin squeezes Christen’s shoulder comfortingly as she feels the woman relax against her body. 

\--

The two depart an hour later, saying their goodbyes to the couple, which Alex gives Tobin an indignant look when she notices Christen leaving with her instead of Kelley. Tobin avoids it, not in the mood to be lectured, pulling Christen away from the couple as quickly as possible.

They stumble out of the house, holding onto each other with Christen’s arm wrapped tightly around Tobin’s midsection and Tobin’s arm hanging lazily over her shoulders. They’re a little drunk and a little handsy, Christen more than Tobin, having taken a shot with Allie as they were leaving.

Tobin’s been doing well, feeding off what Christen does—not over the top flirting, but enough to keep Christen laughing and touching some part of her body.

“So I get to spend the night with you,” Christen says, the words slightly slurring as she hangs onto Tobin.

“Um, yes. You’ll be staying with me,” Tobin answers politely, opening the rideshare app on her phone to call a Lyft to her condo as they stand on the sidewalk huddled together.

It’s a bit chilly, but surprisingly a clear night in the middle of December. Alex had the fire pit going and portable heaters out, masking the actual temperature.

“Where will I be sleeping?”

Tobin glances down to glazed-over green eyes looking up with a teasing smile playing on a face she’s finding too adorable. 

“You’ll have the bed and I’ll take the couch,” Tobin says as she waves her free arm when she sees their car slowly driving along the street.

Because as much as Tobin would _love_ to spend the night with Christen, she won’t. No matter how hot she is. No matter how difficult it is to not give in. She can control herself. She has to.

The car stops in front of them and Tobin reaches to open the door, but Christen tugs her back with enough force so they’re face-to-face. The intense look Christen’s giving her is putting impure thoughts in her head. 

“What if I said I wanted you to sleep in the bed with me?”

“If that’s what you want,” Tobin gulps as Christen leans in, her lips making gentle contact with her jaw, slowly kissing up. “Is that what you want?”

“There’s a lot I want,” Christen whispers into her ear. “But right now, I want you.”

Tobin leans back, stunned at the sudden turn of events, but more turned on than she’d ever been. She searches for any doubt, any hesitation, anything really that would lead her to believe that the alcohol’s clouding Christen’s judgment.

Tobin finds nothing except want and desire as Christen’s gaze is fixed downwards.

“Are you sure?” Tobin doesn’t recognize her voice. It comes out hoarse as she bites her bottom lip.

“Yes.” 

Control be damned.

\--

The car ride’s torture for Tobin. Her place is no more than a fifteen-minute drive from Alex’s, but it feels like hours. The whole time Christen’s finger traces along the top of her denim-covered thigh with the other arm wrapped tightly around her body.

It’s distracting in the best kind of way that she doesn’t realize the car’s already idling in front of her building and Christen opens the door before she could thank the driver.

“I live here,” Tobin hears Christen say as they stand at the bottom of the steps.

“What?”

“I’m going to live here,” Christen tilts her head at building Tobin’s lived in for the past four years.

“You’re going to what now?” Tobin stands next to Christen who turns to her with a shrug.

“Guess we’re going to be neighbors,” Christen smiles, taking Tobin’s hand in hers as she interlaces their fingers. “I still want you, you know. I know you think that I’m drunk and it’s the alcohol talking, but I’m completely aware of what I’m doing and what I’m saying. So if—”

Tobin pulls Christen’s body flush against hers, bringing her other hand to gently tilt the younger woman’s head. “I’m going to kiss you and if you want to stop me, tell me now.”

Christen reaches up, bringing their lips together that Tobin melts into it, the control she built over the course of the night vanishing. They kiss slowly as Tobin’s arms circle her waist. She feels the woman’s hands clutch onto her jacket, pulling their bodies closer that Christen moans softly as it gets a little hotter, rougher, and dirtier.

Tobin’s body overheats, needing to separate herself before her control’s lost completely. Christen’s lips chase after her, but Tobin shakes her head, snapping the eager woman out of the daze.

“Did I do something wrong?” Christen’s voice is low, heavy with desire.

“No,” Tobin gives a reassuring squeeze, because one of them has to think rationally and she has a feeling Christen’s a little into public indecency. “Just not here.”

\--

It’s slow. It’s fast.

It’s soft. It’s loud.

It’s pushing. It’s pulling.

It’s an area of expertise she’s crafted.

She loves to tease till the person gives in, begging for her to take. She loves to hear the moans, the sighs, the hurried breaths, anything she can draw out. She loves the fact that it’s because of her.

She loves _to_ love. 

The funny thing is, she’s never been _in love_.

She may be familiar with the act of love, but she’s unfamiliar with the feeling of love.

She sees it all the time.

Alex and Servando. Allie and Bati. Ashlyn and Ali. Kelley and Emily.

It’s always been around her. She’s witnessed her friends fall in love, fall out of love, hate to love, but it’s never happened to her.

It’s not that she hasn’t been in a relationship. She’s had her fair share of them, but not like that—the ‘big love’ kind of love as she likes to say.

It was casual fun that the other person may have thought was going somewhere, but she never made it more than it was.

It’s also not that she’s been hurt so badly by someone that made her who she is today. She hasn’t been cheated on (at least that she knows of, and if she was, she doesn’t care). She hasn’t had to compromise. She hasn’t had to think about how her actions affect someone else.

People ask why she’s never had a serious relationship. Her family asks her all the time when she’s bringing someone—anyone—home. Her friends used to ask her when she was planning to settle down, but after witnessing the string of broken hearts left in her wake, they gave up.

She doesn’t have an answer.

She’s just never _had_ one.

For the first time, Tobin feels _different_.

She knew the moment her lips touched Christen’s that it would flip her world upside down.

For the first time, Tobin wants _more_.

Soccer has always been her number one. Aside from her family and friends, soccer is the number one priority. She’s missed dates because training ran late or she wanted to stay on the field, practicing a move until she nailed it. The girls she’s dated didn’t take the time to comprehend what soccer meant to her, always giving the ultimatum of the sport or they’re out.

Tobin never cared, she held the door wide open because any girl she imagined herself with needed to understand that soccer is her life. It will _always_ be part of her life. It may not be her whole life because she enjoys other things, but it makes a huge part of it.

For the first time, _big love_ flashes right in front of her before disappearing into the void.

It’s all because of the woman laying next to her, sleeping soundly after four intense rounds that Tobin definitely knows she’ll be feeling in the morning. She may have felt a little guilty for exhausting Christen to the point where she pulled Tobin off, body falling limp against the sheets as she tried to control her breathing.

She couldn’t get enough. Every moan, sigh, touch spurred her on.

Everything.

Christen rivaled her stamina. She never met anyone that could go tit-for-tat, matching the same frenzy and desire to please. It challenged her. A constant battle for dominance driving her absolutely crazy that she refused to surrender.

She wanted it _again_ and _again_ until they both passed out, wanting more than what their bodies were capable of.

Tobin’s arms are crossed behind her head as she stares at the ceiling. She’s been in her head, lost in her thoughts because she can’t figure it out. She hardly _knows_ Christen, having spent less than a few hours with her, but she wants to.

Maybe it’ll go away when Christen leaves, but she’s moving here, and it’s not like Kelley won’t invite her to things. 

Maybe she’s wrapped up in their chemistry. It’s obviously there, going beyond a physical attraction. They make each other laugh. They can probably talk about anything for hours.

Maybe they’ll form a great platonic relationship and how she’s feeling is because of the post-sex high (but if she thinks about it more, she’ll realize she’s never felt like this).

An arm drapes itself over her stomach, breaking Tobin out of her thoughts, and Christen wraps against her body, legs intertwining as she finds a comfortable spot on Tobin’s bare chest.

“What time is it?” Christen mumbles softly against her skin.

Tobin squints at the numbers on her bedside clock. “It’s only three, go back to sleep.” She brings her arm down to rub Christen’s back soothingly.

“Okay,” Christen sighs, relaxing into the embrace.

Once Tobin feels Christen’s breathing even out, she places another soft kiss on the girl’s forehead before closing her eyes.

Sleep coming easy, a little too easy. 

\--

Tobin wakes up to cold sheets and it sort of stings, in a ‘I thought she would’ve at least woke me up’ way. She figured Christen would leave before she woke up. She remembers Christen saying that her flight back to California was scheduled in the early afternoon.

Plus, Kelley drunkenly made breakfast plans, just the two of them, before they left Alex’s. Tobin has a feeling that Emily will probably be there too.

Tobin rolls over onto Christen’s side, but not without feeling something scratch her skin and the sound of paper crumpling. She lifts herself up, pulling the rumpled paper out from under her before she drops back onto the bed, reading the words written on it.

_Hey! Sorry for leaving, but I woke up and realized I had to meet Kelley for breakfast. Last night was great. I’m sure I’ll see you when I move here! Happy holidays! xoxo Christen_

Tobin smiles, tucking the note into her bedside drawer as she shakes her head.

She dismisses thoughts and feelings she had about Christen before she fell asleep. As nice as it was having that, she was caught up in the moment. In combination with the alcohol and mind-blowing sex, it threw her off, confusing her for a moment.

Christen’s hot, but definitely off limits.

It happened.

It’ll happen again with someone else. 

\--

Tobin hears her phone ring as she scrolls through the endless amount of shows and movies on Netflix, having difficulty choosing something to watch. She reaches over the couch arm, blindly searching for her phone on the side table.

Kelley’s picture lights up her screen, answering the call, “Wdup?”

“What’re you doing today?” Kelley asks, and Tobin sits up, swinging her legs so her feet touch the carpet. 

It’s mid-Friday morning—a rest day. The plans she had were to be lazy, exert the least amount of energy possible before national team training camp in Florida next week.

“Uh, nothing,” Tobin rests her head on the couch cushion.

“Found out that Christen’s your newest neighbor,” Kelley says nonchalantly and Tobin perks up at the mention of her name. “Can you help with putting together stuff? Her family’s here, but figured with another set of hands, it’ll make it faster.”

“Sure. Are you already here?” 

“Yup, just about finished taking up furniture parts with a couple boxes left,” Kelley replies and Tobin stands up, walking to her room to change into comfier clothes.

“Got it, be down in five.”

Tobin slips her phone into her sweats pocket once they hang up, opting to change into a Nike dri-fit long sleeve since it’s the middle of January. Cold, but she works up a sweat easily.

As far as Tobin knows, Kelley doesn’t know what happened. Her friend would’ve been on her ass as soon as Christen left because based on how high she speaks of Christen, she would probably commit murder if anyone hurt her.

Tobin hasn’t thought much about Christen since that night. The holidays spent with her family back home in New Jersey and a quick trip to Hawaii with Kelley to visit one of her surfer friends. The only times she crossed her mind was when she posted something on her socials, but that was minimal.

Grabbing the keys and a random five-panel hat on the counter, she leaves her apartment and waits for the elevator. She steps in, making the descent to the ground floor. She’s staring at her shoes, noticing a scuff mark she makes a mental note to buff out later, when the elevator doors slide open and she looks up to a familiar person smiling, she physically feels the air rush out of her lungs.

“Hi Tobin,” Christen says softly as she readjusts the box she’s holding in her hands.

“He-hey,” Tobin shakes out of the stupor. Forcing her body to take in air as she puts her hat on. “Here, let me help.” She steps forward and reaches to take the box out of Christen’s hands, ignoring the spike in her heart rate when their hands brush against each other.

“Thanks,” Christen smiles, taking a step back. “Oh, there are my parents.” She points behind to the people Tobin didn’t realize was even there, smiling while they’re each holding a box. 

“It’s nice to meet you, I’m Stacy and this is Cody,” The woman speaks up first, tilting her head to her husband.

“I’m—”

The elevator door starts to slide shut and Christen’s hand shoots forward to stop it from closing completely.

“We were going up anyways. That’s pretty much all the boxes,” Christen says as they step into the elevator. She presses the seventh floor, which is ten floors down from Tobin’s.

They introduce themselves once again, Cody making a joke of it while the women laugh. They make small talk on the short ride up, telling Tobin how the past few days have been. They started around seven o’clock this morning and her sisters went to return the moving truck. The Press family left on Wednesday to drive up with a truck filled with furniture and clothes from Christen’s apartment in downtown Los Angeles, spending the night somewhere in the Bay Area before finishing the remainder of the trip.

They walk towards the door propped half open and hear Kelley singing something (terribly) that Tobin shakes her head, laughing quietly. Christen pushes the door wider so they could walk in, and Tobin gestures for her parents to go first.

“Thanks for helping,” Christen says as Tobin passes on her way through. “You really didn’t have to.”

“Of course I have to,” Tobin says, turning to Christen shutting the door. “Kelley would’ve forced me, even if you didn’t live in the same building.” 

“Well still, thanks,” Christen smiles, bringing her hand up to rub Tobin’s arm appreciatively.

Tobin’s heart rate picks up _again_ at the contact, but returns the smile.

“Fucking there you are,” Kelley’s in front of her, taking the box out of Tobin’s grip. “I needed this box. It has the wine glasses.” She carefully places the box on the ground, opening to neatly folded newspaper wrapped glasses.

“Kelley Maureen,” Kelley halts at the use of her middle name. “It’s not even noon yet.”

“But come on!” Kelley whines, walking towards the parents who have already begun unpacking the boxes, but not without grabbing a glass. “We’ve been here for _hours_. I figured it would be nice to start early.”

Christen and Tobin watch as they continue to bicker about how _no one should be drinking right now_ and Kelley arguing that _we deserve it_.

“Help me with my room?” Christen grabs Tobin’s hand, walking her towards the room down the hall, not waiting for a response.

Tobin admires how soft Christen’s hand is in hers, but also notices just how many boxes are all over the place.

It looks like she’ll be exerting more energy than she intended to.

\--

They finished with the living room and bedroom furniture by early evening. It helped that Tobin grabbed her tools to speed up the process when they realized they left Cody’s toolbox back in California. A few boxes still needed to be unpacked, but Christen shooed her parents and sisters away after eating takeout from a Thai restaurant Tobin suggested, telling them to go to the hotel to rest and that she’ll see them tomorrow for brunch.

Kelley and Tobin remain, the former a little drunk granted she was the only one that drank before noon. She tried to convince Channing and Tyler to join her, but failed miserably.

Tobin chose not drink because she helped Cody put together all the furniture so Christen wouldn’t have to sleep on the floor. She could’ve, but she had this inclination to be on her best behavior in front of Christen’s family.

She didn’t dwell on it, reasoning that since camp is next week. She doesn’t want to hear it from Dawn. The woman had a sixth sense when it came to what the players ate or drank, and it showed during drills. 

Clearly, Kelley did not have the same outlook as she gave up pouring the wine into a glass, drinking straight out of the bottle after Christen and Tobin declined a third glass. 

The trio are unwinding, tired from the day. Kelley’s sitting on the floor while Tobin’s laying down on the couch. The players have an early morning flight on Sunday, so Tobin decides that she will be doing nothing tomorrow.

“Can I ask,” Christen steps over Kelley, patting Tobin’s legs so she could sit, and forcing the player to sit up, “Why you’re drinking? Don’t you have training? You usually don’t drink before camp.”

Kelley doesn’t say anything, instead choosing to take a long swig from the bottle. Christen kicks her side and gets a quick glare as a response.

“You also have a tournament in a month. What’s going on?” Christen prods and Tobin’s curious why too. She knows from experience that Kelley only drinks when it involves Emily, but she was under the impression that the two were _okay_ , as in friends, as in they still talk, as in it wouldn’t be weird at camp. 

“Nothing,” Kelley mutters, staring at the neck of the bottle.

Christen shoots Tobin a look, asking what’s going on, and she shrugs because she’s in the same boat. Christen rolls her eyes, shaking her head, deciding that if Kelley wants to talk, she’ll talk.

Christen chooses to talk to Tobin, thanking her for helping as much as she did when she didn’t need to. Tobin’s more than happy to, telling her so and offering that if she needs anything, she’ll be around.

“I don’t have your number though.”

Tobin smirks, pulling her phone out of her pocket and handing it over. “Put it in and call yourself. Then boom, problem solved.” She drops her arm on the back of the couch.

Tobin finds it amusing how smoothly Christen gets her number, though she’s probably just inflating her own ego. If Christen hadn’t asked, she would’ve at one point. Christen’s new to town, her only friends being Kelley and Alex, so it’s safe to assume she would want other friends besides her coworkers.

“Emily,” Kelley says suddenly as Christen’s returning Tobin’s phone. “I just don’t get what we’re doing.”

“Well what’re you doing?” Christen asks gently, getting more comfortable and scooting into Tobin’s space, enough that Tobin notices her arm’s practically around her.

“I don’t know,” Kelley sighs dejectedly, still staring at the bottle. “I’ve spoken to her since the engagement party, like pretty much every day. I know it wasn’t the best decision for us to hook up that night, but it was the first time we saw each other since the breakup.”

Tobin doesn’t miss Christen’s gaze briefly fall on her, but her attention goes back to her friend who’s nearly in tears.

“Why’d you breakup?” Tobin realizes that Christen doesn’t know the reason, only that it happened. She’s well aware of what happened because she lived through it. The sight of Kelley dropping to her knees, in tears, when she opened her door is burned into her memory.

“Distance, I guess,” Kelley scoffs at the word, making a face of disgust. “I think it’s bullshit. We were together for almost _two_ years and we made it work. We practically saw each other every month for national team stuff and when league started, we’d find pockets of free time to visit. So I really don’t get what changed.”

“How old’s Sonny again?” Christen asks, biting her lip, trying to remember the age gap.

Tobin notices, suddenly having this urge to bite Christen’s lip herself, but she pushes _that_ thought away.

“She’s 25.”

“And you’re turning 30 this year,” Christen points out the obvious because Tobin did the same thing when the two started dating, but Kelley brushed her off with _what do you know you’ve never been in a relationship_. “She’s still young. Be realistic. She’s not looking to settle down. Were you willing to at that age?” Christen waits for her to respond, but Kelley remains silent. “Exactly.”

“Okay, whatever,” Kelley says, irritated, obviously over the conversation, placing the wine bottle on the coffee table harshly that it almost tips over. “I’m gonna go. I’ll see you when camp’s over.” With that, she stands up abruptly, throwing a lazy wave to Tobin as she walks towards the door.

They hear the apartment door swing open from their spot on the couch. Once it shuts, Christen groans, rolling her head on the back of the couch, but doesn’t realize that Tobin’s arm’s there and lifts her head up quickly. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Tobin says, shrugging the arm closest to Christen’s head because she doesn’t mind. She’s happy that Christen feels comfortable with her enough to do that. It’s an innocent gesture that she does with all her friends. 

“She’s just so stubborn and sometimes forgets that things aren’t always black and white,” Christen drops her head back on Tobin’s arm, tilting into her neck. “Was I too harsh? Be honest.”

“I don’t think so,” Tobin brings her other arm to scratch her neck. She doesn’t know what the proper etiquette is on how someone is supposed to talk to the best friend of your best friend when it’s the second time ever seeing them. “I basically told Kelley the same thing about the age gap.”

“Right!” Christen says, raising her hands to rub her temples. “I’ve met Sonny, she’s great. She’s funny, laidback, really balances Kelley out, but she’s _so_ young and they’re just at two different stages in their lives. I could understand why they broke up.”

Christen raises her head, making Tobin look at the green eyes she didn’t know she missed until now. The green eyes glance down briefly before they come back up, and Tobin wants to ask what that was about, but Christen’s suddenly sitting straight, peeling her body away, putting some space in between them.

“Christen?”

“Sorry,” Christen clears her throat, shaking her head as if she was under a spell. “I almost…” She trails off. 

“Gonna what?” Tobin prods, because with the heated look in Christen’s eyes, she has a pretty good idea of _what_ she was going to do.

“Never mind,” Christen bashfully looks anywhere but at Tobin.

Tobin’s not easily deterred, wondering where Christen’s head’s at so she reaches to hold her hand, tugging lightly for the woman to face her.

“What?” Christen mumbles, still not making eye contact.

“Did you want to do something?” Tobin’s voice comes out teasing, playful even, wanting Christen to figure out she wants the same thing.

“I do,” Christen’s eyes finally meet hers, but Tobin sees the doubt. “But I don’t know.”

Tobin can tell what Christen’s trying to say without so many words. She’s unfamiliar with the idea of ‘casual’ while that’s all Tobin knows. There’s an obvious hesitancy because she doesn’t know how to handle something like it.

“I don’t really do casual. I never have,” Christen says quietly. “But I’m also not looking for anything serious right now either.”

“Well,” Tobin draws out slowly, pulling Christen with enough strength for her leg to swing over her lap, and resting hands respectfully on the small of her back. “I do, and I’m also not looking for anything serious.”

As soon as the words are said, there’s a slight twinge behind her ribcage that leaves a sour taste in Tobin’s mouth. She pays no mind to it, focusing her attention on the woman right in front of her.

“We can just have fun,” Tobin squeezes Christen’s back and she hears the woman’s breath hitch. “Whatever you’re comfortable with.”

Tobin observes the wheels turning in Christen’s head, quickly weighing the pros and cons of doing something like this with someone she hardly knows.

From Tobin’s experience, it can be a good thing that they hardly know each other because it would be a form of release. Something that could be beneficial after a long day at the office or after a game.

But then, it can be a bad thing. The common factor is Kelley. Tobin knows that Kelley will invite Christen to anything they do, jeopardizing their ‘could be situationship’ into something deeper than just a casual hookup. It would most likely become a friendship for how much they’ll see each other.

“There has to be some kind of rules.”

_Doable_ , Tobin thinks to herself, grinning as Christen’s hands come up to rest on her shoulders.

“Okay,” Tobin nods in agreement, shifting a little to have Christen’s body close enough to interlace her fingers together. “I’ll start. No breakfast in the mornings.” Christen tilts her head in confusion. “I have no problem with sleeping over, but I’d prefer it if we slip out before the day starts. It seems way too intimate to have breakfast.”

“That makes sense,” Christen says. “We don’t want that.” She bites her lip. “How do we feel about seeing other people?”

The question stumps Tobin. She didn’t expect Christen to be the one asking it.

“Maybe we should just assume there are other people and we’re being safe,” Tobin says, a little reluctant of the idea Christen would be seeing someone else when she just moved here.

“Fair enough,” Christen’s hands trail to the back of Tobin’s neck, rubbing the spot soothingly. “If at any point either of us needs to end it, for whatever reason, no questions asked?”

“Deal,” Tobin says as she stands up suddenly, wrapping Christen’s legs around her waist.

“Tobin!” The woman squeals, laughing as Tobin rushes down the hall, determined to start taking full advantage of the situation before she’s off to camp.

\--

Tobin unlocks the door to her apartment, dropping her duffel bag on the floor as soon as she steps in and tossing her keys on the entryway table. She plops herself on the couch, sighing as she finally has time and space to relax. Not bothering to turn any lights on.

It’s been two weeks since she’d been home and she missed the comfort of her own bed.

Exhaustion is an understatement.

Camp itself went fine. She hadn’t trained like that for at least a month. She enjoyed seeing her friends who play on other teams, especially Pinoe, Ashlyn, and Ali. Making roster for their upcoming tournament in Portugal at the end of the month wasn’t something she was worried about.

It was everything _outside_ of practice.

She always believed that when teammates date, it can either work really well or it can blow up in everyone’s faces.

It works for Ashlyn and Ali. They’ve nearly been together for almost a decade and people are waiting for them to get married. They also parts of their relationship private. It’s not that the team doesn’t know they’re together, but their problems have never been obvious, broadcasted. 

Unlike Kelley and Emily.

Kelley wears her heart on her sleeve, so the team knows when something’s wrong. Emily’s the opposite—guarded and cautious—keeping her feelings close, typically confiding in Lindsey or Mal.

It started the second night of camp.

Tobin was assigned as roommates with Emily this time around, and they’re close, having played on the same club team for a couple years before she was traded. Maybe not to the same extent of her and Lindsey, but they’ve spent enough time together. Kelley asked Tobin if she wanted to trade, to room with Mal, but she said no, wanting to respect Emily’s space. Her friend was a little peeved at that, but decided that it was a good call.

Emily was in Mal’s room, hanging out and talking about a date her sister went on when Kelley walked in, catching the tail end of the story, missing the most important part that it was not _her_ on a date. It snowballed into something bigger than it needed to be, Kelley unwilling to hear Emily explain.

When Emily came back to their room, she was visibly shaking, on the verge of crying that she just scooped herself under her blanket without saying a word to Tobin. Kelley tried to weasel her way in the room because from what Tobin gathered, there were things that probably shouldn’t have been said.

It was tense the rest of camp, and Tobin was right in the middle. Running interference for Emily to make sure Kelley didn’t bother her and dealing with Kelley relentlessly asking if Emily was okay.

To the point where she snapped at Kelley for being a child and needed to get her shit together if she wanted Emily to even _consider_ anything happening between them again.

Something like that. 

She doesn’t remember.

She refused to acknowledge Kelley’s childishness, leaving Alex and Allie to deal with it.

Tobin’s phone vibrates in her pocket, pulling it out to see a text message from Christen.

_Busy tonight?_

Her exhaustion vanishes as she stands up, walking out of her apartment and pressing the elevator button to go ten floors down. She makes no effort to reply because she doesn’t plan on talking much anyways.

Tobin knocks on the door, and she’s welcomed with a surprised expression on Christen’s face.

“Hey—whoa,” Tobin’s lips are on Christen’s, swallowing the words before she has the chance to say anything more. 

Tobin’s more than riled up and needs the kind of release that Christen’s more than capable of providing. Her arms wrap Christen’s waist, kicking the door shut. She flips them around, pushing the woman against the door and she moans, spurring Tobin more.

“Fuck Tobin,” Christen gets out as soon as their lips separate. It comes out breathless and needy, as Tobin trails a series of kisses down her neck. “I’m all for this, but—”

“Less talking, more doing,” Tobin hushes, her hands find Christen’s to raise above her head and brings their lips back together. Christen acts like she’s resisting, but the throaty moan she lets out when Tobin rolls her hips against hers proves she wants it just as much.

Tobin’s only concern right now is getting Christen off, either against the door, under her, above her—it doesn’t matter. The stress she took home from camp slowly leaving her body as she feels a different kind of tension forming, the kind that’s fun, bringing her the best kind of relief.

\--

“Wanna explain what _that_ was?”

Tobin doesn’t immediately answer, choosing to remain silent as she stares at the ceiling with Christen’s head resting on her bare chest, a slim finger lazily tracing up and down her sternum.

She may have been a little more aggressive than their previous trysts, but Christen met with the same fervor, desperate for the same kind of relief shown. They barely made it to the room, the trail of discarded clothing all over the apartment a clear indication of just how much.

“I was just stressed out,” Tobin grumbles, running her hand over Christen’s back. “Camp was camp. I’m usually relaxed cause playing calms me, but stuff went down between Kelley and Sonny, which put me in an awkward situation because I roomed with Sonny and Kelley being who she is—”

Christen’s lips are on her abruptly, cutting her off from her rambling as she relaxes into the kiss, letting a breath she didn’t even know she was holding out.

“Sorry,” The green-eyed woman says shyly after she pulls back. “I felt your body tensing up, and kissing was the only thing I could think of that would relax you. We don’t have to talk about it, but I am glad that you came over. I had a really crappy week and remembered Kelley texting me about dinner tomorrow since she’ll be back.”

“I like kissing you,” Tobin leans down again, unable to get enough of the woman in her arms. The thought crosses her mind of it being _only_ Christen, but it’s fleeting, disappearing as soon as their lips touch.

“Me too,” Christen mumbles against her lips, as she swings one leg over, straddling Tobin’s hips.

“You still want more, after that?” Tobin says before deepening the kiss, trailing her hands down Christen’s back, feeling the shiver against her own body.

“Mmm it’s nice,” Christen husks out before removing her lips to whisper in Tobin’s ear that the athlete nearly groans, “I’m not letting you leave yet.”

Tobin thinks she’ll never get enough.

\--

“I’m gonna go to Alex’s room to get ready,” Kelley informs as she opens the door.

The national team’s in Portugal, walking away with the Algarve Cup win, and what better way to celebrate than going to one of the local bars before the players are stateside for preseason training with their club team.

Tobin and Kelley were assigned roommates and it was tense in the beginning without their constant communication for almost a month. The two hadn’t spoken much after camp. They’d make awkward small talk at optional practices that were more scrimmages between the training staff and the player. They made no effort outside of that.

On the other hand, Tobin spent a lot of time with Christen if she wasn’t with Kelley. It might’ve had a lot to do with the proximity, literally living an elevator ride away, but she enjoyed the time spent with Christen _outside_ of sex.

Tobin was able to coerce Christen to get a few touches in with her at the practice field if it wasn’t too cold and if the sun was out. She didn’t know what to expect, but she couldn’t fathom how Christen didn’t go pro.

“Holy shit,” Tobin stared as Christen shot from outside the box, curving the ball perfectly into the upper right 90.

She was amazed at Christen’s footwork and speed, even without touching a ball in years. She was rusty for a bit before she found her rhythm easily, nearly nutmegging her and Tobin was the one that did that.

Christen appointed Tobin her as the person who would join her on the quest to figure out which donut shop had the best donuts, at least twice a week. Tobin has lived in the city for almost five years, she didn’t even know there were that many donut shops until Christen knocked on her door one afternoon with lists, organized by Yelp rating, Google reviews, recommended by people, location, price—more organized than Tobin had ever been in her life.

They still had sex because the opportunity was there, so why shouldn’t they capitalize on it? Their friendship became solid, just with the perk of an orgasm whenever they wanted. (Tobin was right about the public indecency thing, after Christen dragged her down an alley one night after trying whiskey flights—something about it turning Christen on that Tobin didn’t understand.)

But still, Tobin missed her best friend and she didn’t know how long she could handle Alex’s harassment. 

They hashed it out the first night, both women realizing how much they missed each other and didn’t want to start the tournament like that—Kelley saying she shouldn’t have put her in the middle of that situation and Tobin apologizing for the things she said. Kelley did say that her and Emily had a real, honest conversation and decided that they were better off as friends. Though, it would be awkward, albeit uncomfortable at times, to be in the same room, it was for the best (no matter how much they’d want to give in, they’d try not to).

“Okay, I’ll meet you there, just gonna shower,” Tobin says as she digs through her bag. She hears her phone’s message tone go off, but decides that it can wait as she looks for her pair of ripped jeans.

Kelley says something that Tobin agrees distractedly, finding the piece of clothing and yanking it out from under her clothes, then hears the door shut. She tosses the pants on the bed before grabbing a clean white t-shirt, content with her outfit even though it’s something she wears all the time. It works for her and she’s in the mood to spend the night with someone before their afternoon flight.

Tobin checks her phone to see a message from Christen asking if she’s busy. She stares at the words, her mind trying to think of why. They’ve probably sent a few texts back and forth since she left for Portugal, most of Christen asking when Tobin’s shoes are supposed to arrive so she can pick it up from the front desk. Tobin also lent Christen a copy of her condo key for whatever reason. 

_No_ she types out and a picture of Christen holding a donut topped with sprinkles lights up her screen. She taps the button, answering the call.

“Hey Chris, what’s up?” Tobin asks, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

“Hey, am I catching you at a bad time?”

Tobin hears rustling in the background and she glances at her clock, reading 7:07. There’s an eight-hour time difference, meaning that Christen’s likely just woken up, which is odd because she’s usually up early on the weekends.

“No, I was about to start getting ready,” Tobin lays back, yawning a little. “We’re going out tonight to celebrate the win.”

“Oh nice,” Christen says casually. “Congrats by the way. I caught the tail end of the final, good assist to Alex.”

Tobin feels giddy whenever Christen compliments her, especially if it’s about soccer. It shouldn’t have this effect because Tobin receives compliments all the time whether it’s how she played or what she’s wearing. 

“Thanks,” Tobin says, still unsure of why they’re talking. “Is everything okay?”

There’s a long pause and Tobin’s about to ask again before Christen speaks.

“Is it wrong to say that I miss your hands on me?”

It comes out soft, almost a whisper, in the way that drives Tobin crazy, easily seducing the athlete because Christen _knows_ what it does.

Tobin has to sit up. She has to make sure she’s hearing correctly. She’s experienced in sending suggestive texts, building the anticipation of what was to come and the occasional phone call she’s mastered over the years, saying what she’d do.

They’d never discuss _this_.

When Tobin doesn’t respond right away, Christen continues, “I woke up wanting you.”

“Chris,” Tobin doesn’t recognize her voice as the words come out of her mouth. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

She’s _sure_ she wants this, but she always needs to make sure that Christen does too.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Christen murmurs. “Would you rather I go find someone else?”

_Absolutely not_ , Tobin thinks. The idea makes her feel slightly protective of the woman because it’s _her_ that needs to do this, it should be _her_ hands on Christen’s body.

Christen asked for her specifically.

“Did you want to?” Tobin says, teasing because Christen won’t.

“Not entirely, I’d rather it be you than someone else figuring out how to fuck me. You just knew what to do, knew _exactly_ what to do.”

Tobin’s intention of wanting to hook up with someone tonight vanishes, because the only person she wants right now is the woman, whispering dirty things in her ear. She cannot _wait_ to see Christen.

Deciding to start this soon before Kelley comes back or someone else knocks on the door, she asks the most important question.

“Well, what’re you wearing?” 

The light, airy chuckle floating into her ear has her smiling, confident that Christen’s shaking her head against her pillow.

A moment later, the sweet sound stops, and Christen says lowly, “Nothing.”

\--

The place Pinoe chose is exactly what Tobin would expect—loud, flashy (blinding) lights, fog machines. She thought they were going to the quaint bar near their hotel, but when she went down with Alex and Kelley to meet with the rest of the team and found a row of taxi vans to shuttle them to their destination, she knew it was going to be one of _those_ nights.

Tobin’s call with Christen gave _some_ relief, but it wasn’t enough. If it’s any consolation, she’s more worked up from hearing the younger woman’s moans. She didn’t think she was going to do anything to herself, set on getting Christen off, but it was over once she asked Tobin if she’d join her. How could anyone say no?

She’s anxious to see Christen. That’s who she wants to be with at this moment, almost changing her flight to that night so she’d be with her _sooner_ instead of later. Christen talked her out of any hasty decisions, rationalizing that it’ll be so much better if they hold out for a little while longer. She even promised that as soon as Tobin lands in Portland, she’ll be waiting.

Tobin did the obligatory celebration shots with the team when they arrived, but that was it. She’s been a nursing a beer since. She decided to not drink as much as Kelley planned, who happened to coerce Alex and Allie to join her.

“Twelve o’clock Tobs,” Kelley’s voice rings behind as a hand reaches over her shoulder, placing a shot glass filled with clear liquid in front of her. She won’t be able to get out of it, but having a second shot won’t put her over.

Tobin looks straight across the bar to see a girl smiling at her. Yeah, the girl is cute, and if were any other night, she probably would’ve walked over and made conversation.

But it’s not like any other night.

She’s always been a wanderer, drifting in and out of groups, meeting people that she wouldn’t on a regular day.

She pretty much glued herself next to Alyssa, the quietest of the bunch and doesn’t do much to get attention from strangers compared to Pinoe or Kelley, luckily securing seats at the bar so they wouldn’t have to stand. The goalkeeper was surprised because she knew Tobin’s tendency to go off and do her own thing, but didn’t question it. She could tell something was up since Tobin hardly stayed with the team, and if she did, it was usually with Julie or Crystal.

“I’m good,” Tobin says and Kelley almost tips over Alyssa’s shot glass.

“What?” Tobin turns to Kelley with a wide-eyed expression painted on her face, as if she’d grown another head.

“I’m good?” Tobin reaches for the small glass, copying Alyssa in her periphery. She’s ready to take the shot, but not ready for the nasty burn vodka leaves as it goes down her throat.

Kelley, on the other hand, won’t let it go.

“You’re telling me you _don’t_ want to hook up with a pretty girl who’s clearly sending you all the signals?”

“Yes,” Tobin says flatly, rolling her eyes while Alyssa chuckles quietly to herself.

“Are you okay? Did you hit your head on something?” Kelley brings her free hand on Tobin’s forehead.

“Dude what the fuck,” Tobin flinches back, glaring at her friend who raises her hand in surrender.

“You seriously don’t want to go over there?”

“No I don’t,” Tobin says and there’s a tone of finality that has Kelley opening and closing her mouth before muttering _what the fuck_ under her breath. “Let’s just take this,” Tobin raises the glass, “And you can go over there and talk to her.”

Kelley doesn’t push anymore, knowing that if she does Tobin’s going to leave and she’d rather have her friend here than back at the hotel, and raises her glass as Alyssa follows suit, clinking together before they throw back the drink. Alyssa doesn’t flinch as Kelley and Tobin grimace once it’s swallowed. Kelley salutes a farewell, leaving them as she disappears into the crowd.

Alyssa waves the bartender over, asking for another beer to try. It takes a minute, but after the bartender leaves, she asks, “So who is she?”

Tobin freezes mid-sip, the drink almost spilling out of her mouth. She gulps, placing the glass back on the surface to give herself a second to compose her thoughts before seeing the nonjudgmental expression on Alyssa’s face.

“What do you mean?” Tobin asks for clarification, because she’s clueless at the reference. 

“I mean,” Alyssa turns her body to face Tobin, “There has to be someone back home right? Why else would you stay with me the whole night? Not trying to sound like an ass, but I’ve known you for more than a decade. All of sudden you’re not hitting on the girl across the room and almost five seconds away from punching Kelley for telling you to. I’ll ask again and if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine, I won’t make you. So, who is she?”

After listening to what Alyssa says, a realization dawns on Tobin.

It’s subtle, sneaking out of her subconscious into the forefront, something she disregarded that first night with Christen. As if those thoughts, those feelings, held no influence to what she does now.

Except it does.

If someone as perceptive as Alyssa picked up on it, then there’s something more complicated happening, something that she’s realizing she can’t stop when it’s already started, something that’s so obvious that it’s changing who she is.

It’s terrifying, but she won’t say it out loud.

Because if she does, it’ll make it true.

“There’s no one,” Tobin says with an easy smile, the words leaving a hollow pit in the bottom of her stomach.

Alyssa gives her a curious look, like she’s seeing through her façade, but doesn’t say anything. She makes a _hmph_ sound before taking a sip of her beer.

“If you say so,” is the response. 

Tobin wishes she could say more, but she’s not even sure where to begin. 

\--

Tobin pinches the bridge of her nose, squinting as her eyes adjust to the airplane cabin lights flickering on.

They finally arrived.

Their travel plans became a mess when their short layover in Paris resulted in a three-hour flight delay due to mechanical issues causing all the players to miss their connecting flight in New York to their homes. There was definite irritation, but it was out of their control. 

They—Tobin, Kelley, and Alex—were supposed to arrive at 8:12 PM but it’s almost 2:00 AM on a Monday morning, traveling close to twenty-four hours.

Tobin called Christen in New York when they made it across the Atlantic, telling her that their plans for the night weren’t happening since they were still trying to get rebooked. Christen said she understood, but Tobin heard the disappointment in her voice. It made her feel guilty even though neither of them could’ve predicted it.

“Kelley,” Tobin says softly, nudging her arm. Kelley doesn’t wake up, instead fixes her position on the window before Alex reaches over Tobin to hit the top of Kelley’s head. She flinches, eyes shooting open at being rudely awaken.

“Kelley wake the fuck up, let’s go,” Alex stands, opening the overhead compartment, waiting to grab their bags as the other passengers do the same.

“What the fuck is her problem,” Kelley mutters loud enough for Tobin to hear.

Tobin sends a sympathetic smile as Kelley sits back into the seat, checking her phone as they wait to actually move since their seats are a few rows from the front of the plane. She switches her phone off airplane mode, waiting a brief moment before a few notifications pop up. Some from her family; her sister asking if she’ll be able to squeeze in a visit to Florida for her nephew’s birthday around the time season starts and her mother reminding her that taxes are due soon. There’s a message from Christen saying good night, and she doesn’t realize she’s smiling until Kelley’s peering over her shoulder.

“Why are you smiling? And why is Christen wishing you goodnight?”

Tobin locks her phone, moving it away from Kelley’s line of sight. She doesn’t miss the questioning look. If there’s one thing Tobin wants to not happen, it’s for Kelley not to find out like this. She makes a mental note to talk to Christen about what they should do.

“What?” Tobin plays dumb, hoping that Kelley’s tired enough that her eyes were playing tricks on her and didn’t actually see what was on her screen.

“I literally just asked why—”

“Let’s go, come on,” Alex cuts Kelley off before she can finish. It’s almost their turn to leave the plane, the people in front of them getting their things together.

Tobin stands up, slipping out of their row and pulling her carry-on out before Kelley has the chance to ask again. She follows Alex out of the plane with Kelley in tow as they make their way to baggage claim.

They’re quiet, not saying much because it’s late and they want to be in their own beds. Tobin hopes Kelley won’t pester her about the message later on, but with her memory—no matter how tired she is—she’ll ask when Tobin least expects it.

They grab their luggage, which takes a little longer than Tobin would like because her friends had to wait for both their luggage to come out. The staff has most of their gear in a separate luggage that they bring, so she still doesn’t understand to this day why they need _two_ when one has worked out perfectly fine for her. 

Tobin’s Lyft arrives right after Kelley gets her second bag, refusing to risk her passenger rating she moves with more urgency than her friends. She says goodbye, knowing that they’ll see each other within a couple days for preseason training. (Tobin would never admit she needs a little time away to decompress, especially after spending two weeks with them.)

By the time Tobin gets back to her building and into her condo, she doesn’t walk into darkness, instead the hallway light to her room is on. She isn’t fumbling like she usually does after coming back from a tournament.

_Odd_ , she thinks because she’s never left the lights on when she travels. She’s also sure Christen would’ve shut it off when she dropped by. 

Leaving her bags by the door and tossing her keys on the counter, she walks to her room, the exhaustion from traveling finally catching up. She could fall asleep on the couch, but her bed’s calling her. 

As Tobin shuts the hallway light off, kicking the door open, she stops in her tracks when she sees Christen asleep on her bed and a book next to her. She smiles, shaking her head, because it’s a nice surprise. She quietly makes her way to the side where Christen’s laying.

“Hey Chris,” Tobin whispers, kneeling to gently pat Christen’s arm, picking up the book to put on the side table.

Christen stirs slightly, Tobin quietly repeating her name when her eyes open, revealing hazy green eyes and a small (cute) smile.

“Hey,” Christen says, pushing herself up on one arm to sit up as she yawns. “What time is it?”

“It’s almost 3,” Tobin reaches to move a strand of hair behind Christen’s ear. “What’re you doing here?”

“I wanted to surprise you,” Christen yawns again, leaning into Tobin’s hand that cups her face. “After you called, I figured I’d finish this book and then head back down, but I guess I fell asleep. I forgot how comfy your bed is.”

Tobin smiles, stroking Christen’s cheek softly. It makes her heart swell with something she can’t put into words. Maybe she does want a relationship, but maybe it’s because of the woman who’s about five seconds from falling back asleep.

Maybe.

“Let me change and I’ll join you okay?” Christen nods in Tobin’s hand before the soccer player leans forward to give a quick kiss on the forehead.

Christen gives an affectionate smile, closing her eyes as she playfully drops onto the pillow, and Tobin stands to change out of her clothes, hurriedly brushing her teeth and splashing water on her face to fall asleep next to someone who’s making her consider things she’s never thought of.

It could be due to the fatigue of a long travel day, but Tobin will admit that coming home to Christen in her bed is nice. It doesn’t have to be complicated with over-the-top gifts or grand gestures. It’s simple. It’s something she didn’t know she wanted until it happened.

It’s just nice.

Tobin slips under the blanket, shutting off the bedside light before she settles into a comfortable position. She feels movement from the other side of the bed and glances over to see Christen half-turned, looking at her with narrowed sleepy eyes.

“What?”

“Why aren’t you cuddling me?” Christen whines so adorably that the butterflies in Tobin’s stomach are awake, creating a hurricane. 

“I didn’t know I was supposed to,” Tobin rolls her eyes playfully, turning her body to face Christen.

“Well come on then,” Christen grabs Tobin’s arm to wrap around her body, as Tobin easily slips her other arm under the pillow they’re now sharing, willing to lose all circulation into her hand. As Christen settles into Tobin’s body, she says, “I don’t have to go into work tomorrow, so we could have the day if you want.”

Tobin would usually spend time by herself for a couple days after a major tournament, but spending the day with Christen doesn’t sound half bad.

“I’d like that,” Tobin says softly, pressing her lips into the curly hair in front of her.

“Me too,” Christen says sleepily. “Night Tobs.”

“Goodnight Chris.”

Tobin doesn’t realize at this very moment while she’s wrapped around Christen’s body, falling into a much needed slumber, is things are changing.

For her.

For their relationship.

Because it’s the first night they spend together where they don’t have sex.

\--

Tobin jolts awake when a door slams shut, pushing herself up to look around, remembering where she is. She glances at her bedside clock, reading _11:12 AM_ , when she hears the kitchen cupboards opening and closing.

“Who the fuck—” She starts to say, but it dawns on her _who_ is in the condo besides her.

Tobin does a quick stretch before she gets out of bed to see what’s happening in her kitchen. Her bare feet pad along the hardwood floor, down the hallway to a sight she never thought would make her cheeks hurt. 

Christen’s back is facing Tobin as her finger taps on the counter, bobbing her head to the quiet music that’s playing from her laptop, as she waits for the coffee maker to finish. Tobin smiles, a strong rush of fondness comes over her as she watches Christen completely oblivious to her surroundings.

Tobin clears her throat, smile getting wider as Christen jumps at the unexpected sound. She slowly turns around, shaking her head.

“Gah, you scared me,” Christen says, smiling as Tobin walks towards her. “Did I wake you?”

“Kind of…” Tobin says shyly as she stops in front of Christen, snaking her arms around to greet her properly. “It’s okay.” She pulls Christen into her, sighing softly into the embrace.

“Good morning,” Christen mumbles against her shoulder.

And it feels so domestic that _big love_ hits right in her chest.

“Morning,” Tobin brings her arm up and down the woman’s back. “What time did you wake up?”

Christen pulls back, resting her hands on Tobin’s arms, “Around 8. I’ve just been working.”

“You sure you don’t have to go in?”

“Definitely,” Christen grins, leaning forward to give Tobin a quick peck on the lips. “Hungry?” She asks after disconnecting their lips.

“Not for food,” Tobin mumbles as she stares down at the lips she craved, especially so after their phone conversation on Saturday.

“Then what?” Christen’s finger tilts Tobin’s chin up, bringing her gaze to look into piercing green eyes.

“You,” is all Tobin says before she brings their lips back together, swallowing the moan that comes out of Christen’s mouth.

\--

“Chris, come back,” Tobin grumbles as she reaches, but misses as Christen finesses her way to stand up. The source of warmth she had been holding onto for the past half hour is leaving, and she’d like it back. 

The sight of Christen’s nude body distracts Tobin that has the younger woman, shaking her head in amusement.

“It’s almost three, you have to eat,” Christen bends forward to pick up a shirt, slipping it on before putting her hands on her hips.

“I did eat,” Tobin wiggles her eyebrows and Christen rolls her eyes, disregarding the comment. 

“Yeah you did, and now I want fries.”

“Fine,” Tobin pouts as she watches Christen walk into the bathroom, realizing that she’s wearing _her_ shirt. “That’s my shirt.”

“It’s comfy,” Christen retorts and Tobin has no comeback because she agrees. The shirt is pretty soft, which also happens to be one of Tobin’s favorite shirts.

She doesn’t mention that.

Christen could wear all her shirts if she wanted.

They’ve spent the past few hours getting _well_ acquainted with each other’s body. Every single thing that Tobin said she would do to Christen, she did, and a little more. Not that Christen was complaining, she needed a small break that consisted of returning the favor, which Tobin welcomed.

“Tobin come on, get up,” Christen steps out of the bathroom, looking adorable as she swoops her hair into a messy bun. 

“Yeah yeah,” Tobin swings her legs over the side of the bed, relishing in the pleasant ache.

As she reaches for the discarded shirt next to her foot, she hears Christen say behind her, “You’re paying!”

Tobin grins, not bothering to respond, because she’d buy Christen all the fries. Even grow a potato farm if she wanted.

\--

They get Christen’s fries at the burger shop down the street from their building, which Tobin rolls her eyes when Christen orders and leaves with a triumphant smirk before they make it to the register. There’s also very little effort in Christen persuading Tobin that they should get ice cream. The soccer player’s powerless to tell her _no_.

Then it happens.

Not all at once and not-so-obvious either.

Tobin notices though.

How her life _could_ be, never having these kind of thoughts or feelings for anyone.

But with Christen, she does.

_Big Love_ with a capital ‘L.’

The first time is how their hands naturally find themselves as they walk down the street. They’re already walking close as is, that their hands keep bumping together. It starts with Tobin catching one of Christen’s finger with her pinky, but Christen’s arm swing is a bit too strong. It happens a couple times before Tobin gives up, but then Christen reaches over to interlace their fingers, giving a small squeeze.

Tobin feels heat rush to her cheeks, looking away while Christen swings their arms without a care in the world, unaware of her companion’s inner turmoil as she keeps talking about how she found _more_ donut shops that they’re definitely going to. It’s not that Tobin hasn’t held hands with someone before, because she has, but not to get ice cream in the middle of the day.

The second time is how Christen makes Tobin to go Whole Foods. She took stock of Tobin’s refrigerator the night before, seeing how empty it was except for a case of beer from a local brewery and told Tobin that she needed to buy food—actual food.

It feels coupley, routine even, as they walk up and down the aisle with Tobin pushing the cart and Christen pointing at foods, tossing the things she learned over the past couple months that Tobin will eat. She’s been the unofficial third wheel for her friends over the years, doing things exactly like this, that she _finally_ gets it.

There’s something inherently romantic about doing the most mundane tasks with someone. She didn’t understand before, but she does now, especially with how Christen’s face lights up when they find the donuts among the desserts section.

“You know we have to carry this back right?” Tobin points out after Christen tries to sneak a carton of mint chocolate chip ice cream in the cart, under the family size bag of tortilla chips.

“It’s not that far, we live like two blocks away,” Christen retorts, adding, “Plus, you’re an athlete. You have muscles. I’m confident you have the strength and stamina.”

“Did you just objectify me?” Tobin feigns offense, causing Christen to chuckle.

“Definitely,” Christen scoffs, rolling her eyes in amusement. “Why do you think I keep you around? You’re nice to look at and just know how to fuck me right.”

Tobin’s jaw almost drops after the comment being said so casually that she has to physically shake herself out of _those_ thoughts and chases after the woman who turns the corner to the next aisle over.

(Tobin ends up carrying the stuff back, trying to prove a point that she _can_.)

The third time is how after they get back to Tobin’s, after Christen drags her to bed—something about her biceps flexing—after three orgasms, they talk. It’s not like she’s in a rush, throwing her clothes on, slipping out before the other person can say _stay_.

She wants to stay, to hear Christen talk about anything, to throw her own two cents into the mix. She can’t keep her hands off, needing Christen’s body close with an arm drawing her in as she listens to whatever happened while she was away.

The fourth is how they cook dinner together, even though Tobin tries to coax Christen into ordering pizza, but she’s adamant that they make their food since they already ate out for lunch.

The fifth is how Tobin hides Christen’s ice cream. The sixth is how they argue over what to watch. Tobin gives in to _Game of Thrones_ , even if that means she has to be quiet for a full hour. The seventh is how Christen rests her head on Tobin’s shoulder.

The eighth, ninth, tenth, it keeps happening. 

Little things she’s known she’s done with people before, but she never gave it much thought. She didn’t think it would ever mean something, but it does now. 

What’s glaringly obvious to the point that it sends a small tremor through her heart is when Christen gets ready to leave after forcing her to watch a single episode of this yacht reality show Alex showed her in Portugal.

“Aren’t you sick of me yet?” Christen asks when she notices Tobin pouting at the door.

“No,” Tobin says honestly because she doesn’t want her to leave. She wants to watch just one more episode before they have to go to bed. She wants to wake up with messy hair in her face and an arm lazily draped over her body.

The most surprising thing is that Tobin’s not expecting sex.

For someone who’s focal point in every pseudo-relationship has been sex with the less conversation, the better, it’s not an expectation for _only_ that.

Because sleeping next together is just as great as the sex.

“I’ll see you sometime this week okay?” Christen says, slipping on her slides and stepping forward to wrap her arms around Tobin.

“Okay,” Tobin mumbles into Christen’s shoulder, feeling the arms tighten around her.

Christen gives her a quick kiss on the cheek before she leans back, Tobin missing the arms as soon as she lets go.

“Thanks for today,” Tobin says, opening the door, which Christen gives her a cheeky smile.

“Of course. Rest. I know you’re tired and probably a little jetlagged,” Christen gives a small wave as she walks out. “Night Tobs.”

“Night Chris,” Tobin says, watching Christen walk towards the elevator and waving one more time before she steps in.

She didn’t want Christen to go, but she didn’t know how to tell her to stay.

\--

Preseason training comes and goes, and it happens so fast that it’s already opening game at Providence Park. They’re playing Orlando, which means Emily’s in town and Kelley’s been surprisingly subdued. Tobin and Alex can’t figure out why because they’re well aware that the two defenders still talk, but if Kelley’s not freaking out, then they have nothing to worry about.

“Ready?” Kelley pokes Tobin on the head as she finishes lacing her cleats, positioning her shin guards low as she draws her socks up.

“Always ready,” Tobin says confidently, looking up to her teammate sporting a cocky grin.

“So I stopped by Christen’s on my way over to drop something off and noticed her wearing your jersey,” Kelley comments as Tobin takes off her ring, placing it on the shelf with other things. “Tell me, is there something going on between you two?” 

Straight and to the point, Tobin expected nothing less.

Christen wasn’t supposed to wear her jersey. They were hanging out the night before when she mentioned not having anything to wear after Kelley sent her daily reminders about their first game. Tobin told her to go through her closet, figuring she’d choose one of her many team shirts or long sleeves.

Not a _jersey_ from a couple seasons ago.

As soon as Christen slipped it on, modeling around the condo, Tobin felt a streak of possessiveness run through her body. The object of her affection from the past few months wearing _that_ had Tobin picking the girl up, taking her to bed, all clothes discarded except the jersey.

“No,” Tobin answers to the skeptical look on Kelley’s face.

She wants to tell Kelley, it just never crossed her mind to bring it up to Christen when they’re together. At the same time, she doesn’t want to because it’s their situationship (but she wouldn’t be opposed to it being a relationship—whatever that entails).

“Wanna tell me the truth?” Kelley says, seeing through the lie. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. We’re friends. We live in the same building, so we hang out from time to time,” Tobin defends before Alex calls the pair to get on the field.

Time to time is pretty much all the time though.

“Sure Tobin. Whatever you say,” Kelley says, obviously not believing it. “Just know if you do anything to hurt Christen, and I mean _anything_ , there will be hell to pay.”

With that, Kelley jogs after the rest of the team filing out of the locker room, leaving Tobin alone with her thoughts.

She wouldn’t hurt Christen, at least intentionally. If there’s one thing she realized from the past month is that she genuinely likes Christen.

She’s developed real feelings, the kind her friends have wanted her to experience, the kind that wants to be around her, the kind that has her smiling at her phone, the kind that she wouldn’t mind having all the time, the kind that could fits her very definition of _big love_ that it’s still small in comparison to what she actually feels.

She doesn’t know how Christen feels, but she doesn’t have the courage to ask.

They agreed to keep it casual, but it’s becoming a lot less casual for Tobin and a lot more serious that she isn’t sure if they should keep doing what they’re doing.

She’d never do anything to hurt Christen. She’s absolutely sure of that. She’d do everything to make her happy.

Even if it’s not with her.

\--

“So,” Tobin starts.

“So…” Christen repeats.

It’s almost midnight and there aren’t too many cars or people out as they’re walking back to their building from post-game drinks with a few Orlando players. Portland won, 2-1. It was a fun night without any drama except for Kelley taunting Emily that she’ll outdrink her, but that’s normal. She did, but Alex made sure that Kelley left with her, and not with her ex-girlfriend. 

Tobin’s arm is lazily slung over Christen’s shoulder with an arm wrapped loosely around her waist as they walk, looking like a couple in love. She missed having the younger girl close to her because they were with their friends, who know nothing of their situation, and couldn’t act how they do when it’s just them—all handsy and all coupley that her friends would be shocked by how stupid soft Tobin is with Christen.

“Kelley asked if there was anything going on between us before the game,” Tobin says, turning to place a sweet kiss on Christen’s temple just cause. She’s been wanting to do that since the game ended, but had to settle for a quick hug.

“I was wondering why she kept looking in our direction the whole night, that makes a lot more sense.”

Tobin noticed too, even though she was off with Emily and Lindsey playing darts, she would catch Kelley staring at them. It probably didn’t help that Tobin stayed with Christen, but it wasn’t like they were doing _anything_ to garner the attention of the others.

To everyone else, they’re just friends.

But to Kelley, they’re not.

“So what’d you say?” Christen asks as they wait for the crossing light to change.

“I told her no, but she didn’t really believe me,” Tobin shrugs, resting her chin on Christen’s head, “She asked because she noticed you wearing my jersey when she dropped by.”

“You mean this one?” Christen looks down, holding up the fabric before she looks back up with a smirk.

“Yes, this one,” Tobin rolls her eyes as the crossing light changes and they walk across the street. She won’t admit that it was still hot to see Christen wearing her jersey.

“I was getting ready when she came by. She didn’t say anything to me though,” Christen says in a confused tone, scratching her chin the more she thinks about it. “Weird.”

“What?”

“For as long as I’ve known Kelley, she’s always asked about who I’m seeing. Or not seeing. She’s never really been one to beat around the bush. I’m not usually forthcoming with the information until it’s actually serious because she gets all big sister, more so than my actual sister.” Tobin clears her throat, uncomfortable with what Christen just said that it’s easily picked up on that they stop to face each other in front of their building. “What? Did she say something?”

“Yeah…” Tobin scratches the back of her neck, deciding to tell Christen the truth. “She said if I ‘do anything to hurt you, there’ll be hell to pay’ or something like that.”

Christen sighs, rolling her eyes and Tobin can tell that she’s annoyed.

“That’s just like Kelley to get involved, don’t take it to heart. It’s an empty threat. She’s always said that to whoever’s remotely shown interest in me.”

“But she seemed really serious that she’ll kick my ass,” Tobin argues. She’d love to believe Christen, but she has this gut feeling that Kelley actually _means_ it.

“Yes, don’t worry about that. If it ever comes down to it, I’ll talk to her,” Christen says all calm and relaxed, which somewhat eases Tobin’s mind, but it’s Kelley. “Plus, it’s just casual right? It’s not like we’re dating.”

“Yeah, casual,” Tobin says, agreeing too quickly and not fully processing the weight of the words against her chest. She smiles, hoping it doesn’t look forced.

Christen leans forward to kiss her briefly on the lips, pulling back with a soft smile. “Wanna celebrate your win?”

“Are you going to keep the jersey on?” Tobin wiggles her eyebrows, blocking out the pang in her heart.

“If I must,” Christen lightly slaps her shoulder at the comment, but whispers seductively, “I’m wearing something nice under it, so you may want to consider taking it off at some point.”

\--

Tobin swings open the door, surprised to see Christen standing on the other side. “Hey Chris,” She greets.

It’s normal for them to show up unannounced, but Christen would usually give a heads up.

“Fucking shit,” Christen curses, pushing past Tobin into the condo before she can ask why. “Today has been a fucking day.”

And Tobin’s spent enough time with Christen that when she spouts off any profanity, she means it. She’d love to know why, but there’s a method on how they handle stress. Sex is the first item on the agenda, then they talk, but it’s absolutely not the best time _right now_.

Tobin locks the door, stepping to where Christen’s taking off her heels and placing her purse on the table, a spot that’s pretty much claimed as hers for the past few months.

“Chris it’s—” Christen’s lips are on hers before she can finish her sentence, and her brain automatically shuts off because whenever they kiss, Tobin focuses _only_ on that.

Tobin feels her jacket zipper being lowered, the cold air hitting her skin since she didn’t bother to put a shirt on after practice, and Christen’s fingers run down her stomach, the muscles contracting on its own accord.

Before the kiss deepens—

Before Christen unties Tobin’s sweats—

Before—

“I knew it.”

As soon as the all too familiar voice is heard, with Christen’s hand partially under her sweats, with her jacket halfway off, they freeze.

Christen separates from Tobin first, because Tobin’s still in a slight daze, unaware of what _exactly_ is happening because she doesn’t want to sound needy, but she missed the younger woman. It’s been less than ten hours since they woke up together, ate breakfast together, walked out of the building together.

Tobin can’t get enough of _this_.

This being more than sex.

Intimacy—that’s what _this_ is.

A look. A touch. A smile. A laugh. A cry.

To feel heard. To feel accepted. To feel safe.

To know someone’s there, ready to catch you if you fall, pull you up if you’re down, tell you what you don’t want to hear—but you need to.

That, that’s exactly what _this_ is.

It’s _big love_ plus more, and Tobin can’t figure out what’s bigger than big. 

“Look Kelley,” She snaps back to reality when Christen says something, fumbling to zip up her jacket.

“No, no, this is perfectly fine.”

Tobin hears in Kelley’s tone that it’s everything but. She forgot that Kelley was over, determined to beat Tobin in a round of Mario Kart before she has to pack for their away game in Chicago this weekend. Coincidentally, Christen’s heading to the Windy City tomorrow morning for meetings and decided to stay longer to watch their game. Tobin may have persuaded her to extend the trip.

“How long has this been going on? Just tell me that.”

Tobin looks at Christen, who’s staring right back at her, and she shrugs. They hadn’t talked about Kelley since opening game three months ago. They’ve kept what they do separate from their friends, and Christen has her own set of friends from work and the yoga studio.

“Since I moved here,” Christen answers and Kelley’s eyes go wide in shock.

“That was in January…” Kelley does something with her hands, like she’s counting out how long. “It’s now July.”

“Six months,” Christen says flatly.

“Are you guys dating or… What the fuck is going on? That’s practically a relationship.”

“It’s casual,” Christen answers without missing a beat and Tobin avoids looking at Kelley. She’s sure it’s full of sympathy. “We’re friends who occasionally have sex, but we’re friends, like really good friends. Right Tobin?”

“Yeah,” Tobin smiles. It doesn’t quite reach her eyes because it hurts to say. She still can’t work up the nerve to ask for _more_ , nor is she sure if she’d be able to handle a rejection. She’ll do everything to avoid that. 

“Okay, well I’m leaving because I don’t want to be around for this,” Kelley stands up from her spot on the couch, stopping in front of them before she opens the door. “Well, as long as you two know what you’re doing, I’ll let it be. Just remember what I told you Tobin, and Chris,” Kelley sighs, tilting her head at the younger woman. “I’ll talk to you about this after we get back from Chicago.”

Once Kelley’s out, Tobin locking the deadbolt, Christen lets out a sigh of relief.

“Okay where were we?” Christen says lowly, biting her lip as her hand finds itself on the zipper again, slowly being pulled down. The muscles on Tobin’s face twitch, curling her lips up into a smirk, shrugging the jacket onto the floor.

The sting of _just friends_ momentarily forgotten.

\--

Tobin watches Kelley shamelessly flirt with the bartender as she orders their drinks from the booth she was shoved towards when they arrived. She already doesn’t want to be here because they lost and she’d rather be sulking in her room, but she can’t. Since Christen’s also coming, she feels a little more obliged to go.

Kelley was able to wrangle a few of the Chicago players as well since it’s a warm summer night—perfect for drinks on a rooftop patio. Julie suggested a night boat ride down the river, but when they checked for availability, it was full.

Tobin’s annoyed though, the reason being that Kelley dragged her to the bar an hour before they were all supposed to meet. Alex and Christen were still getting ready when Kelley showed up at her room, making her leave the comfort of the bed, arguing that they haven’t spent as much alone time in a while (she thinks it’s total bullshit because Kelley’s over at her place at least once a week). She has an idea of why Kelley’s adamant that they get away for a bit, but she doesn’t want that conversation. At all.

“How ya feeling?” Kelley asks as she appears with a tray holding a pair of shot glasses, an old fashioned, and what looks like a fruity drink.

“Fine,” Tobin answers, watching her friend balance the tray delicately on the table. For as coordinated as Kelley is on the pitch, her hand-eye coordination is terrible. “You?”

“Eh, we lost. Just about halfway through the season and we’re in decent standing, I’m not concerned,” Kelley finally places the tray on the table, fist-pumping at the success of only a little spillage. She slides into the seat across from Tobin, grabbing one of the shot glasses to hand over. “Here.”

“Ew,” Tobin’s nose wrinkles at the smell of tequila. “Really? What’s the occasion?”

“No occasion, just figured you need it,” Kelley shrugs, taking the other shot glass.

“Why?”

“Let’s take the shot and we’ll talk okay?” Tobin already knows by the way Kelley words it, they’re going to have _the_ conversation.

“Fine,” Tobin relents, raising the glass in hand. “To my yellow in the 69th minute.”

It draws a laugh and a head shake, Kelley saying, “Thank you Sam Kerr for Tobin’s yellow. In the 69th minute.”

Their glasses clink and they throw it back, the liquid burning Tobin’s throat as it makes it way down. Her body involuntarily shaking as heat rushes to her face. “Fuck, where’s the lime?”

“Oops, sorry. Forgot to ask,” Kelley says sheepishly, taking the glass out of Tobin’s hand and pushing their empty glasses to the edge of the table.

Tobin leans back against the seat, letting the drink settle in her stomach while Kelley distributes the drinks, cleaning up whatever spillage with a napkin. Tobin’s watching her the whole time because she’s stalling.

Surprisingly—or unsurprisingly, depending on how Tobin wanted to look at it—her and Christen telling Kelley about them didn’t change anything. Not that she could tell, at least. Granted it’s only been a few days. The day after Kelley found out, Christen was on a plane to Chicago, but they still talked the same, texting each other throughout the day and a quick call before they slept to check in. Alex invited Christen to dinner the night before the game, but she had a work thing that she couldn’t get out of.

Her teammates don’t know she snuck out of the hotel after curfew to see Christen, a perk of getting a room assigned by herself this trip. They ended up falling asleep together after talking about their week with a few kisses here and there, but nothing hot and heavy. Tobin had to rush back before breakfast, but not without making Christen promise she’ll be at the game (wearing her jersey, obviously). Thankfully no one caught walking into the hotel lobby.

“So are you in love with her?” Kelley asks, tossing the napkin onto the empty tray.

Tobin doesn’t respond right away, opting to take a long sip, swirling the amber liquid in her mouth before she swallows. It still burns, but not much as the tequila. She has to answer the question carefully because Kelley’s intention is pure, but she doesn’t want to delve into her feelings before everyone else gets here.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Are you in denial? Or are you in denial?” Kelley retorts, shaking her head.

“I’m not in denial,” Tobin deadpans.

“You’re telling me what Christen said a few days ago didn’t hurt? That you two were just friends?” Kelley asks rhetorically. Before Tobin could formulate a response, she continues, “I saw the look on your face. Shit, it hurt me to see that.”

Tobin wouldn’t admit that Christen’s comment of _just friends_ hurt.

For one, what they do isn’t platonic, on any level. She sleeps over Alex’s or Kelley’s or any other teammate’s on occasion, but either on the couch or spare room. Not with them, in their bed, kissing or cuddling.

Secondly, how she feels for Christen isn’t how she feels for Kelley or someone she’s had in this kind of situation. It’s different, having no experience of how to be in a relationship, she doesn’t know if this is what it feels like to be in love.

Lastly, it just hurt. Plain and simple.

“I’m not in love with her,” Tobin says, the words feeling like bile in her mouth.

“Are you sure? How many girls have you slept with since she moved to Portland?”

Tobin stays quiet because she _hasn’t_ slept with anyone else besides Christen. It doesn’t cross her mind when she goes out with her friends. If she has an away game and they go out, she still meets new people. She doesn’t leave to spend a night with a stranger. She texts Christen as soon as she gets back to the hotel. 

“If you say you aren’t, then prove it,” Kelley challenges, twirling the straw in her glass with a raised eyebrow. 

“How?”

“Leave tonight with someone that isn’t Christen.”

\--

Tobin takes another sip of the drink Kelley bought her at the start of the night, which is watered down at this point. Some players and even strangers offered to buy her a drink, but she politely declined. Her gaze can’t help but fall on Christen across the deck, who seems to be in an animated conversation with Julie and Sofia just by how much Christen’s hands move. Their eyes meet occasionally, Christen sending a smile her way and Tobin winking, causing the younger woman to roll her eyes as she tunes back in.

“It’s Christen, isn’t it?” Alyssa pipes up from Tobin’s side because once again, Tobin stuck herself to stay with Alyssa if she wasn’t next to Christen.

“What?” Tobin asks, slightly caught off guard with the statement.

“Christen,” Alyssa states, nodding in her direction. “You haven’t taken your eyes off her since she got here.”

They moved outside to the patio when more players arrived, taking up most of the fire pit area. The conversation with Kelley over, but it doesn’t mean that she could easily ignore the truth. 

Tobin was facing the doorway, discussing with Nikki and Sam about shoes when she felt something change in the air that had her eyes finding Christen walking towards them, leaning back to respond to whatever Alex was saying.

It’s not like Tobin hasn’t seen Christen dressed up.

She’s seen it plenty, and it’s the same reaction every time.

She’ll almost trip over her feet if she has to move. The butterflies in her stomach wake up, restarting the hurricane from its calm. The air rushes out of her lungs, reminding her to breathe. The muscles in her cheeks contract, pulling her lips up.

Christen hugged Tobin after she was introduced to the couple, staying with her for a bit before meeting the rest of the Chicago team. Tobin kept an arm loosely wrapped around Christen’s waist, though she felt the younger woman’s body tense, never having talked about any public displays of affection, but slowly relaxed when she whispered, “Just go with it okay?” Following it up with a small kiss to her temple.

That was the only act of public affection the whole night, which didn’t go unnoticed by the few players around them—Kelley being one of them.

But of all people to actually say something, Alyssa was the last person Tobin expected.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Tobin says, but the smile forming as the words come out of her mouth say otherwise.

Alyssa rolls her eyes, but smirks, “It’s like Portugal all over again. Say whatever you want Tobs, either way, I’m happy for you.”

“We’re not together,” Tobin says quickly, making sure she doesn’t get the wrong impression.

“What?” Alyssa looks taken aback. “Are you serious? It’s obvious that you two are?”

“We’re not,” Tobin bites her lip before letting out a defeated sigh. “It’s like a casual thing, but it’s been going on for... almost six months. I’m not sure if that still counts as casual.”

“So… do you want it to be serious?”

“I think so,” Tobin says honestly because she does the more she talks about it. “But I don’t think she wants serious.”

“Hm,” Alyssa pauses, taking a sip of her beer before asking, “What makes you say that?”

“Kelley found out earlier this week and Christen was quick to say we’re just friends,” Tobin explains, those words still sting even as she says it.

“I think you should talk to her because you may not realize it yet, or you might be starting to, but you’ve fallen, fallen _hard_.”

Tobin couldn’t agree any more as things suddenly snap into focus.

Because she’s known something’s been up for a while, she didn’t but Alyssa saying it so surely, makes it so much more real.

She’s in love with Christen.

\--

It isn’t until the end of the night when everyone’s settling their bills that Kelley stirs the pot.

Christen’s sitting on Tobin’s lap (they tried to share the stool, but Christen got annoyed with how much Tobin moved that she just sat on her) as she’s talking to Alex about the new yoga class at the studio they go to while Tobin’s head rests against her back, wanting nothing more to sleep at this point.

“Tobin,” Kelley pokes her hard enough on the side that she flinches, startling Christen at the sudden jerk.

“What the fuck,” Tobin glares briefly at Kelley before bringing her head back where it was, arms tightening around Christen’s midsection. “Leave me alone.”

“Dude come on, rally,” Kelley pokes her again, but softer this time.

“What do you want?” Tobin lifts her head enough, turning to see a flushed-face Kelley sporting a grin that spells trouble.

“Those two girls,” Kelley’s thumbs point behind her to a couple of girls that are attractive enough, waving when Tobin sees them, “Have an in at this private event or whatever and asked if we wanted to come.”

“We?”

“Well me and you specifically, they only have a plus one each,” Kelley says, and Tobin can see the challenge in her eyes, saying that if she wants to deny any feelings for the woman in her lap, this is her chance.

Tobin’s aware of when Christen’s body tenses, almost standing from her lap, but doesn’t go anywhere because of the arms securely around her.

“I’m good,” Tobin says, giving a reassuring squeeze that she hopes Christen understands that she’s not leaving without her.

“What why? Give me one good reason and I’ll leave you alone,” Kelley taunts, crossing her arms. “It’s not like you’re dating anyone right? So why does it matter?”

Tobin is about to tell Kelley off, but Alex steps in.

“Why are you pressuring her? If she doesn’t want to go, she doesn’t have to.”

The two friends get into a heated argument with Kelley telling Alex to _mind her business_ and Alex firing back that _it’s become her business_ with how immature she’s acting.

“You know,” Christen says quietly, loud enough for only Tobin to hear, as she turns her body slightly. “You can go. Kelley’s right, you aren’t dating anyone.”

Tobin’s jaw involuntarily clenches, but she centers herself. She doesn’t need to be reminded that she isn’t dating anyone. She wants to be dating someone.

That someone being Christen.

Who’s currently pushing her to continue the night with strangers when she’s only noticed Christen the whole night. Only had eyes for her.

“I know, but I want to stay with you.”

“Are you sure?” Christen asks because she doesn’t want to put Tobin in a position to make a choice.

“Absolutely.”

Because she’s never been an absolute kind of person.

She knows that if she had to, she’d pick Christen every time. 

\-- 

There’s a shift when they get back from Chicago.

It’s enough for Tobin to notice, but it’s not enough for her to bring it up to Christen.

She doesn’t know what caused it, but there’s something _off_.

Christen usually lingers in the morning once her alarm goes off that inadvertently wakes up Tobin too, sharing kisses and retelling any dream, but all of a sudden, Christen’s up and out of bed before Tobin can roll over.

Christen usually sends Tobin a string of messages throughout the day about something that happened at the office or a funny meme she screenshots, but all of a sudden, Tobin barely hears from her, only receiving short responses or a text to let her know if she’s coming over or not.

Christen usually invites Tobin out with her coworkers if they decide to invite non-employees, but all of a sudden, Tobin sees what Christen does through her and Kelley’s socials. It doesn’t help that Kelly texts Tobin asking _where are you_ or _why aren’t you here_.

The realization that Tobin’s in love with her doesn’t make it any easier. It makes it harder because it’s out of her control and she doesn’t know how to make it stop. She’s thinking too much and too hard that she’s stuck.

They still sleep together, but that’s become less frequent and less often that Tobin can’t enjoy it like she used to. Christen seems less enthusiastic and more disinterested, acting as if it’s a chore when they’re in bed. She’s aloof and distant that Tobin doesn’t want to come off as clingy or needy.

Kelley notices, but doesn’t say anything.

Even Alex notices, but does say something to Tobin one day after a light practice before international break, which she conveniently planned her bachelorette party in Miami since the United States team had no games scheduled.

“What’s going on with you and Christen?” Alex asks while Tobin’s packing up her bag.

“Nothing,” Tobin shrugs, tying the laces of her cleats together.

“Really? In Chicago, you two seemed cozy, even left together.”

They did leave together, spent the night together, and the following morning before their flight, Christen took her to her favorite brunch spot, recounting the memories she had of living in the Windy City for a few years.

“I don’t know, we’re just friends,” Tobin says nonchalantly, but saying those two words together still feels like a dagger to the heart.

Alex clicks her tongue, but doesn’t force the issue. She walks away without saying anything and Tobin looks up to see Kelley with a guilty expression on her face.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Kelley shakes her head, putting on a brave face with an easy smile to change the subject. “Ready for Miami?”

Tobin definitely knows Kelley said something, it’s just the _what_ she said she can’t figure out.

\--

“Dude, I want to make it on the flight,” Tobin rolls her eyes as the waitress walks away from their table, after Kelley ordered thirteen shots of tequila that they needed to finish before takeoff in an hour.

Thirteen for Alex’s number on the pitch and ‘they’ consisting of the bride, Tobin, Kelley, and Allie. The rest of the entourage would be at the beach house Allie rented for the long weekend.

Christen was supposed to be ride with them to the airport, but she texted the group chat she was running late and she’d just meet them there.

Completely unlike Christen to be running late, but Tobin’s the only one that noticed.

“We will,” Kelley says confidently, patting her chest.

They fall into discussion about the itinerary, which include a lot of booze and a lot of beach. The latter exciting Tobin because she’s been dying to surf. There’s one night where they’ll be hitting Ocean Drive for a makeshift club crawl Allie and Kelley concocted, but that’s on the last night to give them enough time to revive themselves before their late flight back home.

The waitress arrives with their shot glasses filled to the brim and sliced limes the same time Christen shows up, taking the empty seat next to Tobin.

“Finally!” Alex greets as do the other occupants of the table, but Tobin just gives an awkward smile when Christen looks at her. “What had you running late?”

Christen pretends to be busy, sifting through her things as Allie tries to distribute their shots evenly, but it doesn’t work. Alex ends up with four, Kelley welcomes three, while the remaining six are distributed between the rest.

“She had a date last night,” Kelley reveals, wiggling her eyebrows in Christen’s direction that Tobin doesn’t need to look at her because she practically feels Christen roll her eyes.

_A date?_ Tobin thinks while Allie goes into a rapid fire questioning of _who it was_ and _what’d you do_ , putting Tobin’s stomach in knots because she doesn’t want to hear this. Her heart’s torn at this information because as much as they said they’d be under the assumption they’re dating other people, it hurts nonetheless. 

“It wasn’t a date,” Christen says nonchalantly, trying to downplay the situation.

“It wasn’t? So after weeks of you telling me about the girl… What’s her name again? Oh, Jordan! Yeah, Jordan asking you out to dinner and you finally saying yes, that’s not a date?” Kelley asks, completely unaware of how this conversation is affecting Tobin.

“Jordan?” Allie repeats. “Oh, that cute British girl that showed up when we went for drinks the other night?”

Tobin was supposed to go, but she had a youth banquet she needed to attend, and she was too exhausted from socializing with parents about the future of their child’s soccer endeavors that she went straight home to sleep.

“Yes her,” Kelley answers, and Tobin can’t even bring herself to look Christen’s way that she looks at Alex instead.

Alex, who doesn’t know the extent of their relationship, but knows something is going on, shoots Tobin a sympathetic smile before kicking Kelley’s shin under the table.

“Ow! What the fuck was that for?”

“Relax, it wasn’t even that hard,” Alex dismisses, sending a small smile to Tobin. “Anyways let’s drink shall we? It’s my bachelorette party.” She reaches for the glass, raising it as the others do the same.

“To Alex!”

They cheers, taking the drink back and sucking on the limes before they take the remaining ones.

Not Tobin though, who doesn’t want to be next to Christen right now.

Instead of sucking on the lime slice, she shoots back the remaining shot without hesitating that everyone except Alex stare at her in surprise.

“You okay there Harry?” Allie asks when Tobin finishes the last shot.

“Just perfect,” Tobin says, standing up a little too fast that she has to steady herself on her seat. “I’ll meet you guys at the gate. Just tell me how much I owe you later.”

Tobin bends forward to pick up her backpack when a familiar hand reaches out to hold her forearm, and follows it up to see Christen giving her an apologetic smile, which she can’t decipher if she didn’t mean for her to find out or if it’s not what it seems.

At this point, Tobin doesn’t care.

Christen could do whatever she wants.

They’re not together and it’s now clear she doesn’t want to be.

At this point, Tobin’s glad she’s going to Miami, hoping to find someone to make her forget how she feels.

“What?” Tobin asks when Christen doesn’t let go, the effects of the tequila starting to make her whole body warm up.

“I—”

“It’s okay,” Tobin says before Christen could say whatever she had to stay.

Christen retracts her hand, slowly as Tobin steps back, throwing a lazy peace sign as she turns to walk away.

Away from Christen.

Away from her feelings.

Away from the heartbreaking realization that _big love_ makes her feel so small.

\--

Tobin has been in a steady state of drunk since they arrived in Miami.

Arrived drunk. Fell asleep drunk. Woke up drunk. Repeat.

  
Refusing to acknowledge the reality of the situation, it seemed a lot better than being sober.

She hasn’t said more than ten words to Christen, actively avoiding any situation where they could be alone.

To be fair, she hasn’t really stayed with the group as much as she should be.

She respects Christen enough that she won’t do anything with another girl in front of her, but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t done anything.

Old habits die hard, and it was easy for Tobin to fall back into how she acted before. 

It happened on the first day where they went to the beach, and Tobin left to pick up her lunch order at a nearby restaurant. She got sidetracked as she waited for her food when the pretty hostess asked if she was from around here, and well, that took up most her afternoon.

“Where have you been?” Sydney asked when Tobin appeared in the early evening without telling anyone where she was. 

Tobin glanced at Christen, who quickly averted her gaze to whatever Ali’s pouring, and shrugged, “Busy.”

“Let me guess,” Pinoe interjected, drink in each hand. “You met someone huh? Were they good?”

Tobin felt Christen’s eyes on her, but she ignored it, figuring it wasn’t worth to sugarcoat, “I’d say so.”

“You dog!” Pinoe put her into a headlock and the two started wrestling as the other women began whooping.

It’s happened each day where Tobin disappears for a few hours, venturing away from the group when they’re at the beach, and comes back to the house, hair sticking up and clothes wrinkled.

And each time, Christen pretends to not listen after Pinoe or someone else asks where she’s been, but it’s obvious by the way she leans towards them, no matter where she is in the room.

“Tobin,” Alex sits on the bed, tugging the blanket half-draped over her body. “Come on, get ready. It’s our last night. We’re supposed to do the club crawl.”

“Yeah,” Tobin responds, but making no move to get up, letting her eyes rest a while longer after surfing in the morning, giving her liver the much needed break.

It’ll take her less than ten minutes to get dressed because she already knows what she’s wearing—trademark white t-shirt with ripped jeans. She hasn’t decided on the which shoes, if she wants to go for a casual or dressy look, but it won’t take that long.

Compared to some of the girls who have been getting ready since noon. 

Tobin hears Alex huff and a muttered _fine_ before the bed dips, and she goes to pull the blanket, but there’s resistance and her eyes open to see Kelley standing over her.

“What the fuck,” Tobin sits up, letting go of the blanket. “I didn’t even hear you come in, you’re like a fucking prius.”

“What’s your deal?”

The question throws Tobin off because she’s been asleep and her mind hasn’t fully woken up, still sporting a mild hangover from the night before.

“What are you talking about?”

“Christen,” Kelley says as if that’s supposed to makes sense.

“…Okay?” Tobin rubs her eyes from the sleep, shaking her head a bit to be more conscious of her environment.

“She doesn’t get why you haven’t spoken to her since we got here,” Kelley explains, looking at her shirt to dust off some nonexistent piece of lint.

Tobin’s face scrunches up, as if it’s not obvious why she hasn’t. Of all people to understand, she figured it’d be Kelley.

“Seriously?” Tobin swings her legs to hang off the bed, hands holding her up. “You literally threw in my face that Christen went on a date the night before we left. How am I supposed to react?”

“Tobin, I didn’t think—”

“No you didn’t,” Tobin stands up, shaking her head in disapproval. “And honestly, I thought you knew how I felt, shit, how I fucking _feel_ for her. I thought I made it clear in Chicago.”

“But Tobin, I swear I—”

“It’s okay, Kell. Honestly,” Tobin cuts off, sighing dejectedly at the situation because it’s not Kelley’s fault. “It’s probably for the best right?” She gives a sad smile, the truth of those words ringing loud and clear in her head.

“Tobin,” It’s said so softly that Tobin looks up to see Kelley’s face with worried eyebrows. “The only thing I said to Christen is that I’m happy that she has you. I don’t know how she took that, but I swear on my bad ankle that I didn’t say anything about you.”

“Thanks for that,” Tobin says and she means it. “But I have to get ready, I’ll see you in a few.”

As much as it calms Tobin down hearing Kelley clear the doubt she’s been having, it still hurts because it changed how Christen acted around her, pushing her away when all they’ve been is close.

\--

Tobin’s been to Miami before, but she’s never actually been to Ocean Drive. It reminds her a lot of the Las Vegas strip, but on a beach, which is nice because the sun’s starting to set with the sky slowly changing colors as the group’s on their way to bar lounge three of five. 

Unlike the rest of the girls who are heavily intoxicated, Tobin’s relatively sober. She only took two shots before they left. There was some pushback as to why she wasn’t drinking like she had been the days before, but Alex rescued her from the questioning.

They’re separated into small groups as they walk because how can seventeen women fit on the sidewalk side by side. Tobin’s listening to Pinoe tell Ashlyn about how they’re going to qualify for the World Cup with games in two months, but she’s not paying much attention. They’re walking behind Ali, Sydney, and Christen.

Christen looks absolutely stunning that Tobin caught herself biting her lip the moment the woman stepped down the stairs.

It knocked the wind out of her when she saw Christen in a multi-colored sleeveless jumpsuit that dipped low on her chest, that was perfect amount of teasing. It was flowy and loose, falling at the right places. She was speechless, wanting to tell her how beautiful she looked, but her brain was too slow and Christen was pulled into pictures with Kelley and Alex before she could even open her mouth.

Tobin doesn’t realize she’s stopped walking until Ashlyn calls out to her.

“Tobs, you good?” Tobin blinks, shaking her head when she looks up, past where her friends are standing, to see Christen observing.

“Yeah,” Clearing her throat when her eyes catch a glimpse of the sun going down on the beach, “I think I’ll meet you guys at the next place.”

“Where the hell are you going now? You promised that you’d stay with us tonight,” Pinoe slurs out.

“I am, but,” Tobin scratches the back of her head as her friends stare, “I just want to catch the sunset.” She says it with enough volume that she knows Christen heard.

Pinoe raises a finger to argue, but Ashlyn speaks first, noticing where Tobin was looking the entire time, “That’s fine. You have the addresses right? I can text you when we’re about to leave.”

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Tobin smiles. “Thanks Ash.”

Ashlyn winks and pulls Pinoe before she realizes that Tobin isn’t going to be with them for a bit. It distracts Pinoe enough that Tobin hears her friend mentioning Sue’s mom asking when they plan on getting married.

It’s clear on the road that she crosses the street towards the beach, quickly slipping her boots off along with her socks as she takes a step onto the sand. She wiggles her toes as she cuffs her pants above her ankle.

She walks a little ways from the water, deciding to sit close enough where she can smell the crispness of the salty air, but far enough where the tide won’t reach her.

She watches the sun setting slowly, the sky an unbalanced blend of pink and orange, as she gets lost in her thoughts.

The thoughts of Christen.

The thoughts of being in love with Christen.

The thoughts of hooking up with other girls to get over Christen, which she recognizes that it’s a shitty way of dealing with things.

The thoughts of what she’s supposed to do now about their situationship when she wants to make it a relationship, but that’s out of the question if Christen doesn’t see her in that way. 

The thoughts of _big love_.

A lot of thoughts that Tobin doesn’t realize someone’s next to her until she feels sand sprinkled on her feet.

“Hi, can I sit?”

“Go for it.”

Christen moves carefully as she sits cross-legged, rearranging her pant leg closest to Tobin.

Neither says anything, choosing to watch the sun setting on the water as the night starts to bleed into the day. The sky changing into something a little darker, a little dimmer with the hushed sounds of the world going around them.

They usually welcome silence. It’s comfortable for them to be able to be in each other’s presence without saying so many words. It’s not that they can’t have a conversation, but they know how to be comfortable in silence because that’s how their relationship evolved in the past few months.

Tobin considers Christen one of her best friends that knows her a little differently than Kelley or Alex. Taking out the physical aspect of their relationship, they _know_ each other. It’s just something about their closeness she’s never felt with anyone else that she can’t put into words, but it’s special. She knows that things between them were never going to be easy because it would’ve been too naïve to believe that they could do this without the feelings.

But in this moment, it’s uncomfortable. Tobin cannot find the words to say what she wants to say, what she _needs_ to say. The silence is too much for her and she senses Christen pick up on her energy because she says something first.

“Are you mad at me?” Christen sounds so small, so unsure that Tobin wants to kick herself in each shin for making the younger woman feel like that.

“What, no,” Tobin rushes out and Christen’s gaze snaps sharply that she automatically backtracks. “I-” Tobin sighs, letting a deep breath out because they’re not going to get anywhere if she lies. “Okay yes, I _was_. But I’m not anymore.”

“Why? What did I do?” Her eyes soften a little, and Tobin still believes that Christen’s eyes are the most beautiful when the sun sets.

“You didn’t do anything.”

“Are you serious? You’ve been avoiding me since we stepped on the plane. You’ve been running off doing only God knows what with whoever. You’ve—”

“Why does that matter?” Tobin asks sharply, having the need to defend her actions because it’s her life. She can do what she wants. She doesn’t get how it affects the woman next to her.

“You’re right,” Christen scoffs, shaking her head in disbelief. “It doesn’t matter.”

“You matter to me more than you’d think,” Tobin stresses. Her chest feels tight as the words fall from her mouth. “You’re the one that went out on a date and it was thrown right in my face!”

“Why does it matter if it was? We’re not together. You can’t dictate who I date. We’re just friends.”

“Who have sex together. Who wake up together. Who get ready in the morning _together_. If that’s how you are with all your friends, then I don’t think I want to be friends anymore because that’s some fucked up way of being friends.”

“You’re the one that wanted to do this whole ‘keep it casual’ thing and still be friends,” Christen bites back, eyes wild as she points an accusing finger.

“I—fuck I can’t do this,” Tobin runs her fingers through her hair in frustration. She takes a deep breath, trying to slow her heart rate, anything to ease the pressure under her ribcage.

She looks back at Christen, who looks ready to argue, waiting for her to continue, but she doesn’t want that. She needs to get this out now because she doesn’t know if she’ll ever be able to say it again.

“Why does loving somebody mean it has to hurt them just as much? I mean, if that’s the way it goes, what’s the point of loving someone? Why the hell does it have to be like that?”

The words hang heavy between them.

Christen’s expression softens, processing the words. It’s clear as day when the younger woman realizes _exactly_ what’s being said, but still asks, needing to hear it, knowing that when it’s said out loud, it’ll change everything.

“What are you saying?”

“I’m in love with you, Christen, and that’s what’s important right now. I think you understand that,” Tobin says truthfully and her chest feels lighter, looser even, at the confession.

“I-I, you’re what?” Christen stutters out.

Tobin thought it was obvious enough, but she guessed Christen is as oblivious as she is. This was the reaction she was afraid of, but she pushes through because at least now she has a clearer picture of what’s supposed to come next.

“I’m in love with you,” Tobin says with more confidence, but the tears prick her eyes as the next words tumble out. “And I don’t think I can do this,” She gestures between them, “Anymore. I can’t be with you if I can’t _be_ with you. If that makes sense.”

“No, it does,” Christen says, nodding at the words, bringing her gaze back to the sun halfway disappearing in the horizon.

The quiet returns, but it’s not uncomfortable or suffocating. It’s how it was before, normal, familiar. It gives Tobin hope that they _can_ be friends at one point down the road, but not right now.

She has to mend her broken heart in a healthy way. Not in a destructive, ‘let me run away from my feelings’ way.

“Can I tell you something?” Christen whispers as the sun disappears completely.

“Of course you can,” Tobin answers because she’ll always listen to whatever Christen has to say.

“Do you remember how I told you that I’m not looking for anything serious? The second time we slept together?” Tobin nods because she’d never forget the start of something tragically beautiful. “The reason I bring it up is because I didn’t think we’d get to where we are today. I vaguely knew of you through Kelley because she’d mention that she had this friend who refused to get into a relationship, and it clicked that it was you the moment you said you do casual.

“I figured I’ve never done it and you had all the experience so I took the chance because you’re hot and you know your way around a bedroom,” Tobin couldn’t help but grin at the comment and Christen rolls her eyes, continuing to stare at the water, “But what I never told you was that I was almost engaged.”

“You were what?” Tobin’s voice cracks that she has to clear her throat properly. She bends her knees so her feet are flat on the sand, turning her head to rest her cheek on her shoulder. “I’m sorry, you were almost engaged?” 

There’s a wistful smile on Christen’s face as she doesn’t take her eyes away from the scene in front of her.

“Yeah, it was a surprise to me too,” Christen shrugs, taking a deep breath before she continues. “I was dating Kara for about three years, and I figured we were heading down the marriage road, but not any time soon. She proposed to me the same day I found out that I would be heading to Portland, and that was the most awkward dinner ever. I knew Kara would never leave Los Angeles and she would never tell me to not go.”

“Oh wow, I had no idea,” Tobin says, rearranging herself so her chin is resting on her shoulder.

“Yeah, it’s not something I talk about openly, but…” Christen trails off, shifting her gaze to look directly into Tobin’s eyes. “But then I met you.”

Then she listens to Christen explain everything without interrupting, absorbing what she says because there’s still so much she doesn’t know about the person she fell in love with. 

Christen figured she’d indulge herself, even if the sirens were going off in the back of her head, she didn’t think anything would come from it. She was still trying to settle in a new city and move on. The rules they made that night worked to an extent, but she didn’t know how to draw the line between sex and friendship. It was hard when they’d see each other outside of the bedroom because they’d hang out practically all the time, thanks to Kelley inviting them to the same things.

She says that it also probably didn’t help that Tobin took whatever they were doing in stride, believing that it is possible to have a solid friendship without sex blurring the lines.

“I knew you weren’t the relationship type, I just knew, but then the more time we spent together, I almost forgot that I was almost engaged the year before,” Christen says sadly. “It felt wrong that I was unknowingly using you to get over someone, but I didn’t say anything because I liked it way too much and I genuinely do like your presence in my life.”

That makes Tobin smile, but she never once felt used for what they were doing.

“I ignored that, and we still did what we did,” Christen sighs, shifting her gaze back the ocean. “Then I had dinner with Kelley after we came back from Chicago and I freaked out because I realized that I liked you. A lot.”

Tobin picks up on the past tense of what Christen says, turning her head to stare at the water.

“And I still like you,” Tobin looks back to see Christen looking at her with a small smile. “I probably love you too, but I don’t think I’m ready. It’s not fair to you for me to ask you to—”

“Wait?” Tobin finishes for her, interjecting because she doesn’t want Christen to speak for her on how _she_ feels. “I would. I will.”

She says it without a second thought.

“Tobin, I can’t ask you—”

“You’re not,” Tobin stresses, moving her body so she’s facing Christen completely, and takes her hands into hers. “I want to. I want this with you. I’ve never been in a relationship, but I know that I want to be with you.”

Christen tilts her head, sighing and shaking her head in amusement because she knows how stubborn Tobin can be when she wants something.

“Okay, but I need something to happen first,” Christen says and Tobin’s nodding her head. “I need space.”

_She what?_

“Not like that,” Christen squeezes her hands, bringing them up to give a soft kiss on her knuckle. “I just need to be able to figure out my footing because I haven’t yet. I need to separate myself from this before there’s an us, and I do want an us to happen.”

When Tobin thinks about it, she slowly comes to the realization that she’s seen Christen a lot since she moved. She doesn’t know if it’s because of their dynamic or if it’s because they can’t stay away, but she’d have to agree. She doesn’t think they’re overly dependent on each other, but they definitely couldn’t go a day without talking.

Christen’s life is relatively normal compared to hers. There’s always been a sense of stability and structure while Tobin’s has been fluid and changing every month, every week can be different. Because as much as Christen’s flipped her world upside down, she did the same thing.

“Okay,” is all Tobin says.

“Okay?” Christen asks, bringing Tobin’s hand to rest against her cheek.

“Does that mean you’re going to go on dates?” Tobin asks shyly, because she understands that for this to work out, Christen would need that too.

“Oh my god,” Christen starts to laugh, eyes crinkling and cheeks smiling. “It wasn’t a date. At all.” She keeps laughing and Tobin takes her one of her hands to scratch the top of her head.

“Wait what?”

“I did go out the night before our flight with Jordan along with her girlfriend, Leah, who’s visiting from England,” Christen explains.

“But Kelley said she’s been asking you to dinner!” Tobin defends, pouting.

“Yes, she has been because Leah doesn’t trust Jordan enough to take her to a decent restaurant, something about her being forgetful and scared that they'd just end up at McDonald's. So I spent the night with them and I lost track of time at breakfast,” Her laugh dies down, but she’s smirking now. “Leah was also there that night with the girls, but she was making sure her friends weren’t getting into trouble.”

That makes a lot more sense now. All the stupid resentment she felt before was so unnecessary, it makes her feel like, simply put, a dumbass. 

“Okay,” Tobin says, not letting it show how much it actually bothered her.

But Christen knows.

“You were jealous huh?” She teases and Tobin bites her lip in embarrassment.

She’s about to make a smart ass comment, but her phone rings loudly from her pocket.

“Yeah?” Tobin answers quickly.

“We’re going to the fourth bar, head over now. I don’t think Alex will be as lenient if you don’t show up,” It’s Ashlyn and Tobin can hear someone that sounds a lot like Kelley yelling for _Tobin better get her ass over there_. “Christen’s with you right?”

Tobin glances at Christen who’s still sporting a smirk and rolls her eyes, “Yeah she’s with me. We’ll be there.”

Once she gets off the phone, she stands up, extending a hand out to Christen to help her up. They’re brushing sand off their clothes and Tobin remembers something that she looks at Christen until the younger woman stops and gives her a curious expression.

“What?”

“You look beautiful tonight.”

\--

When they get back from Miami, Tobin gives Christen space. They didn’t outline any rules, but she didn’t want to have any either. They didn’t need structure right now and she can’t force Christen to be ready.

She meant it when she said she’d wait for her.

Her feelings are still what they are and she doesn’t want to overcomplicate them.

She’s in love with Christen and that’s that.

There’s no texts about what an intern did to annoy Christen or any calls before they go to bed when Tobin’s away. Sex is out of the question, sleep overs are definitely not allowed, but that didn’t have to be said.

They do still see each other, making small talk if they catch each other at the building and hanging out when Kelley invites them out. They do still send messages sporadically about trivial things, nothing too in-depth that warrants a conversation.

It’s a weird adjustment for Tobin, but she gets it. It’s difficult to not see or talk to someone who she’s used to do those things with all the time, but it’s for Christen.

She’d do absolutely anything for her.

Plus, Tobin has to focus on World Cup qualifiers that’s coming up fast.

With club season ending and national team camps taking priority, Tobin, Kelley, and Alex travel to southern California for training, competing to make roster.

Tobin’s leaning against the window with her legs stretched out as the rest of the team files in after a grueling lifting session. She doesn’t have a bus buddy, but Alex and Allie are sitting behind her and Kelley’s across the aisle, leaning over the seat to argue with Emily and Lindsey on how they tricked her about the hotel art or something.

Her phone vibrates on her lap and sees a notification from Christen. She smiles as soon as she unlocks her screen.

It’s a picture of Christen’s legs, one foot resting on a soccer ball with a goal in the distance. She’s at the field a few blocks away from their building, somewhere Tobin took her before to play around.

With the caption, _Wanna play when you get back?_

Tobin types out _yes, tell me when and where, I’ll be there_ and hits send because Christen asking her to do anything means one thing.

She’s ready.

\--

“Okay, when you asked if I wanted to play, I wasn’t expecting to have a full practice,” Tobin huffs as Christen dribbles around her.

“You said when and where that you’d be there,” Christen says, poking fun by repeating Tobin’s words, as she tries to slip the ball between Tobin’s ankle, but as sore as Tobin is, she will not let that happen.

“I’m here, aren’t I?”

“You are,” Christen smiles, stopping to stand in front of Tobin. “Come on, now let’s play. Whoever wins chooses where we eat for dinner!”

Christen kicks the ball from Tobin’s feet and the soccer player huffs again, but she can’t stop the smile from forming on her face as she watches Christen chip the ball into the goal, raising her arms to the sky.

She’s never felt _big love_ be like this.

And she falls into it even more when Christen spins around like a little kid, giggling and all. 

\--

Christen wins.

Tobin attributes it to her wanting to take it easy after coming back from camp, but she still gets distracted by how well Christen moves with the ball that she just wanted to watch. It’s almost insane because in some alternate universe, Christen’s playing professionally and crushing it with her on the national team.

They’re at the Thai restaurant they frequented before—it also being the same restaurant Tobin suggested when Christen moved to Portland.

“So…” Christen starts after the waitress leaves from taking their order.

“So,” Tobin smiles, taking a sip of the water.

“Here we are.”

“Here we are,” Tobin repeats, smirking behind the glass, even though she’s nervous because as much as she feels ready to jump into this with Christen, she needs to hear it.

“How’ve you been?”

It’s a simple question, but Tobin can answer it in so many ways.

Instead of going into a long-winded complex answer of how she’s been keeping herself busy with training and painting to work out her feelings, she responds, “Good. Busy. World Cup qualifiers coming up next month and I’ll find out next week if I make roster.”

“I’m sure you will,” Christen says and it’s scary how easily they fall back into how they were before, supportive and understanding that Tobin believes that even if they don’t end up together, they’d still be great friends.

“I hope so,” Tobin shrugs, not wanting to think about the World Cup just yet because there’s still that chance she _doesn’t_ make the roster. “What about you? How’ve you been?”

“Good, really good. Work’s slowing down a bit, so I had some time to visit my family on the east coast for my grandmother’s birthday.”

Tobin admires how close Christen is with her family, especially her grandmother because Christen’s spoken so highly of the woman that Tobin would love to meet Gran Fran.

“I’m glad, I know you’ve been wanting to make it out there for the past couple months,” Tobin says before the waitress arrives with their food. 

They eat in a comfortable silence, chatting a little here and there about what’s going on in their lives. That once they’re done and Christen asks for the bill, she avoids looking at Tobin, running her finger along the rim of the glass, a contrast of how talkative she was just a few moments ago. 

Tobin lets her be, not knowing where Christen’s head at. She’d rather not be the one to start the conversation. 

Christen doesn’t say anything until the waitress takes her card, even though Tobin insisted that she’d pay for her share, the younger woman shook her head. 

“I’m ready.”

Christen says it so softly that Tobin almost doesn’t hear, asking her to repeat it again.

“I’m ready,” Christen repeats a little louder with more confidence that Tobin sees it clearly in her eyes.

“For what?” Tobin prods, smirking as Christen rolls her eyes.

“For this,” Christen says shyly. “For us.”

“You sure? I’ve never been in a relationship, so I don’t know how to do this,” Tobin states because it’s still true. She doesn’t know what being in a relationship means, but she’s more than ready to find out.

“I’m pretty patient,” Christen responds. “And I don’t care if this is your first relationship or your fiftieth. I just want to be with you.”

Tobin’s absolutely beaming at the confession that she wants to lean across the table and press her lips against Christen’s, but the waitress returns with the card and bill before she can make a move. Christen’s chuckling because she knew what Tobin was trying to do.

“Come on,” Christen stands up and Tobin automatically follows.

By the time they step outside of the restaurant, Tobin’s about to suggest they go to Salt & Straw for dessert when Christen’s lips are on hers, and her brain shuts off as she sighs into the kiss.

Tobin brings one hand to rest low on Christen’s back, pulling her deeper into her body, into the kiss, that the younger woman leans back, but not without pressing one quick kiss again.

“What was that for?” Tobin asks, trying to remember what she was going to say before the kiss.

“Nothing, just missed doing that,” Christen smiles and Tobin leans forward, wanting to show her _exactly_ how much she missed it.

_Big love_ indeed.

\--

“Have you got a date for Alex’s wedding?” Christen asks out of the blue, her head resting on Tobin’s arm.

“You really want to talk about Alex right now?”

They spent the past few hours getting reacquainted with each other’s bodies, Tobin a little overzealous in showing Christen how much she missed her. It’s the best sex she’s ever had and being in love makes it even better.

“Well yeah,” Christen says sarcastically. “I’m not asking to ask.”

In truth, Alex has been pestering Tobin daily whether or not she has a date because she needs a final headcount and has to decide where the date will be sitting. Kelley even has a plus one, and they didn't even known Kelley was seeing someone. They tried to get it out of her on who or how she met the mystery woman, but her lips were sealed. She did mention that her date works at Under Armour, and that’s all she said. 

“Then why are you asking?” Tobin teases, planting a soft kiss on the crown of Christen’s head.

Christen nuzzles her face into Tobin’s neck, mumbling something that she can’t hear and asks if she could say it again.

“Wanted to ask you if you’d be my date,” Christen asks shyly.

“It’s on New Year’s Eve,” Tobin states. She thinks of where she has to be for the holidays.

“So?”

“Do you wanna go with me to Florida to spend Christmas with my family?” Tobin asks, suddenly feeling shy at the prospect of bringing someone home, someone who’s very special, someone who she’s serious about, someone who she’s head over heels in love with.

“You want me to meet your family?” Christen pushes herself up to face Tobin.

Tobin looks away, slightly embarrassed. She feels more naked than she already is.

“Yes,” Tobin mutters. Christen’s hand is under her chin, turning her head to look directly into her eyes—a sight she could never get sick of.

It’s just a rare sort of green she’s never seen. Well, she probably has, but she’ll argue that Christen’s are the prettiest.

“Of course I’ll meet your family,” Christen says softly, adding, “As long as you’re okay with spending New Year’s with mine.”

And yeah, Tobin’s more than okay with that.

\--

Tobin can’t describe what it’s like being in a relationship with Christen. She can’t even describe what it’s like being in a relationship in general. If she’s being completely honest, the words she would use are _this stuff’s cool, yo_ , but she’d never say that to Christen.

They haven’t said those three little words after getting together, but Tobin knows that she’s in love. She can confidently say she is, but she won't say it to Christen yet. 

And she thought that love was some complex, magical, the stuff you see in the movie kind of thing, but it’s not.

It’s Christen telling her to go back to sleep because it’s way too early and she knows Tobin sleeps late enough, even if she wants her to be awake as she gets ready for work.

It’s Tobin finding new donut places that _aren’t_ on Christen’s lists because Seattle’s only, at most, a three hour drive away and Christen didn’t realize the possibilities of more donuts.

It’s mostly Tobin realizing that relationships aren’t easy because she _could_ be with other girls and do what she did before, but it’s the conscious choice to choose _her_ every day and wanting to be the best for her, wanting to give her the best.

It’s also a lot of Christen being patient with Tobin because it’s still an adjustment with all these feelings and thoughts that she has to be more open with, but Christen’s understanding. Almost way too understanding that it makes Tobin feel like she doesn’t deserve Christen with how well she handles the stupid stuff Tobin does.

It’s learning things you just don’t talk about with just anyone. It’s intimate. It’s subtle. It’s a process.

It’s pretty fucking nice.

She still wouldn’t be able to describe _big love_ , but she’d be able to tell anyone that it’s simple with Christen, that everything they do is big. 

“Okay stop looking for your girlfriend,” Allie says as the team walks around the field, waving to the fans after winning the championship game of World Cup qualifiers against Canada.

“Yeah Toby, stop looking for your girlfriend,” Emily mimics behind her along with Kelley and Lindsey snickering and making annoyingly kissy sounds.

She’s not.

Okay, she might be a little bit, even though she knows where Christen sat the whole game because she did run over during warm-ups before Dawn yelled at her.

“I’m not,” Tobin huffs, faking a smile as she waves at a sign that says _Tobin Heath, can I have your jersey?_ She won’t take her jersey off, mainly because Christen asked for it.

“Sure Tobs, whatever you say,” Alex says, and there’s a teasing tone that hasn’t changed for the past two months because that’s all her friends have been doing.

They were at dinner a few days before the girls had to leave for national team camp when Christen leaned over, kissing Tobin on the cheek just because. Kelley nearly flipped the table over and Alex just clapped, saying _fucking finally_.

It spread like wildfire through the club team’s and the national team’s group chat that _little Toby has grown up and now has a girlfriend_. Alyssa sent her a separate text, simply saying _lol._ Her sisters found before Tobin even had the chance to say anything, texting her (Katie even called) to bring Christen home for the holidays—something she already planned on doing.

The team walks back to their bench and Tobin sees Christen standing against the railing, talking to Servando and Kelley’s new lady, that she makes her way over, shaking hands with some of the Canadian players that she passes by, receiving a playful shove from Sinclair.

“Chris!” Tobin yells when she’s a few feet away, seeing the love of her life turn her head from the conversation at the sound of her name being called and smiling when she realizes who it was.

“Hey,” Christen says, leaning over the railing to give Tobin a hug and a quick kiss on the lips. “Good game,” She murmurs, resting her arms comfortably on Tobin’s shoulders.

“Thanks,” Tobin smirks, staring at Christen’s lips. “Just thought I’d say hi before I go get changed.”

“Remember, I get to keep the jersey,” Christen says, staring at the same exact thing. “I saw that sign and I figured you’d just want to remember I’m yours.”

Tobin doesn’t bother responding, instead leaning up to kiss Christen, a little dirtily that as soon as she pulls back, Christen’s almost falling over the railing to chase after her lips.

“I’ll see you in a bit okay?” Tobin smiles as she watches Christen pout, but looking so cute she wants to skip the shower altogether.

“Fine,” Christen’s still pouting and Tobin rubs her shoulder soothingly, giving a quick squeeze before she lets go.

Tobin waves to Servando and Kat? She thinks that’s her name, Kelley mumbled her name when she introduced her to the team and Emily shook her hand first, immediately taking away any awkwardness. With one last wave to Christen, her girlfriend calls out to her before she follows her teammates. 

“What?”

“I love you” is said loud enough for only her to hear.

Tobin doesn’t even hesitate, saying it naturally and without a doubt that the words mean more now than when she said it on the beach in Miami.

“I love you too.”

\--

“Someone please explain who thought it was a good idea to have a wedding on New Year’s Eve,” Kelley complains with Kat chuckling into her neck.

Alex and Servando’s wedding ceremony was beautiful. Alex ironically didn’t yell at her bridesmaids, but it probably had to do with Allie slipping her one of Bati’s infamous drinks to calm her nerves. The guests were a variety of people from their extended family, old teammates, and the like, that they knew it was going to be rowdy. 

“Who knows,” Tobin shrugs as she watches Christen across the room with Pinoe, standing in line for the cake.

“Dude you’ve got it so bad,” Kelley teases.

“Yeah, I do,” Tobin admits because she had no idea that the woman she met twelve months ago would be her girlfriend.

Kelley’s talking to Kat about how they’re hoping the World Cup’s in France, timidly asking if she’d consider going, which Tobin internally smiles at because it’s cute how soft Kelley is with her, almost _too_ soft that Tobin wants to throw up.

“Hey,” Christen appears with a plate of a slice of cake and a donut?

“Where the hell did you get that?” Tobin points to the donut. She didn’t know that Alex was serving that dessert.

“There’s a whole table full of desserts,” Christen states matter-of-factly and Tobin rolls her eyes because Christen’s sweet tooth can sometimes be out of control.

“Let me hold that,” Tobin reaches for the plate so she could hold it while Christen eats. She hears a _wh-tshhh_ sound behind her and turns to see Kelley does a whipping gesture with her hand. “Shut up.”

“Who knew,” Kelley lets go of Kat who’s grinning to wrap an arm around Tobin’s neck, “That my two best friends would end up together.”

Tobin huffs and Christen laughs, shaking her head as Kelley tries to take her down when they’re both wearing dresses and heels.

The two stop their sad attempt at wrestling when Christen simply tells them to as soon as she’s done with her donut. Tobin’s right next to her, wrapping an arm around Christen and placing a kiss on her cheek, and Kelley makes a gagging sound that she ignores.

“Planning to stay with me this whole night?” Christen asks, returning the kiss on her jaw.

They’re in Los Angeles and she has a beach house somewhere in Manhattan Beach. They’ve been here for a couple days and Tobin wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. She would want nothing more to bring in the New Year with the woman she loves. 

“I’ll stay with you.” 

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed reading this little story as much as i enjoyed writing it, nearly 25K words later lmao. i felt like i kinda rushed it towards the end, but eh c'est la vie. 
> 
> i saw this prompt about a fwb story. i figured i'd try my hand in it, more as practice since i'm in a writer’s block with save room for us. there's stuff being written for it, just very slowly. i swear that’ll get updated at some point. if anything, i'll probably be writing one/two-shots cause i've been thinking of other plots lately. 
> 
> i also hope you lot are staying safe and sane as best you can. if you ever feel the need to talk about things cause of how things are or whatever (literally anything), just leave a comment and we can talk. 
> 
> be safe, cheers.


End file.
